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Lfl WE COLLEGJENNE 



Volume L, Number 6 



Lebanon Valley College. Annville. Pennsylvania 17003 



Monday, February 25, 1974 



(jsjews and Comment) 

Midnight Auto 
Hits Funkhouser 
Parking Lot 



by Ed Moore 

Thieves working in early morning 
darkness January 30th successfully re- 
moved a number of tape players from 
autos parked in the Funkhouser lot. 
Xhe losses were not noticed until later 
the same day, long after the malefactors 
had absconded with over six hundred 
dollars worth of goods. 

Apparently, most of the locked ve- 
hicles were opened using the simple 
"coathanger" technique, a method prov- 
en quite effective on newer cars without 
metal window frames. Only one sus- 
tained a broken wing vent, the others 
were not appreciably damaged. The 
criminals lessened their chances of being 
caught in the act by shooting out one of 
the mercury vapor lights atop the main- 
tenance shed, doubtless using a simple 
pellet gun which would produce no 
audible report. Most of the cars hit in 
the incident were parked between the 
shed and the railroad tracks. 

This writer had occasion to be in- 
volved in the reporting of the theft 
to the local authorities and feels it his 
duty to recount the incidents following 
the initial discovery of the losses. At 
6:05PM, Wednesday, January 30th, a 
call was placed to the police dispatcher 
in Lebanon and a preliminary report 
of the thefts was given. Police aid from 
the Annville municipal authorities was 
requested. The caller was informed that 
the Annville police would be notified 
immediately and would return the call 
for further instructions. 

At 7:25PM, one hour and twenty 
minutes later, the police did call and 
informed the Funkhouser counselor that 
'hey (the police) would not come up 
to Funkhouser to investigate. Rather 
the cars would have to be presented 
at the municipal building for any report 
to be made. Realizing that similar thefts 
had occurred in Lebanon the previous 
tight, the counselors decided that such 
action on the part of the locals would 
n °t suffice. Hence, the Pennsylvania 
State Police were notified and promised 
to be on the scene in twenty minutes. 

The dispatcher was again notified and 
Wa s told to inform the Annville police 
'hat they were not needed, that other au- 
thorities were willing to come to the scene 
an d at least note the specifics of the mo- 
^ Us operandi. Shortly thereafter, a call 
Was received from Chief Heisey of the 
Annville police who demanded to know 
w "y it had been stated that his depart- 
ment would not come to the scene. Why 
had the State Police been called in? This 
Wr 'ter had occasion to answer the Chiefs 
^" and had the dubious honor of in- 
0r ming him that his own man had in- 
eed stated that no car would come to 
e Funkhouser lot. He was informed 
a ' 'here was concern that similar thefts 
ti'ght occur elsewhere in the vicinity, es- 
P e cially j n v j ew f t h e previous night's 
^'feasance in nearby Lebanon. Hence, 
' he decision. 



lat 



Chief Heisey must be given credit for 
e r calling and apologizing, all in a 
^ r, t of genuine humility. The officer 
j, later arrived, though, informed one 
Jj n khouser counselor that his (the coun- 
a ^ rs ) actions had been "immature," 
„, " was stated that those involved 
attempting to "make a mountain 



out of a molehill." Nonetheless, an in- 
vestigation was begun. 

It is this writer's opinion that one of 
the greatest deficiencies on the LVC cam- 
pus is in the area of security. The situa- 
tion which immediately comes to mind 
is that in which a girls' dorm is infiltra- 
ted by persons from off campus whose 
intentions must be construed to be less 
than honorable. The inaccuracy with 
which simple requests for assistance from 
the local police are reported by the dis- 
patcher to the officers on duty is simply 
unsafe. By the time a counselor in Silver 
or Vickroy explained to the dispatcher 
where the college is located, where on 
the campus the building is and what the 
nature of the problem was, multiple rapes 
could easily have been comitted. 

This is not necessarily the fault of the 
dispatcher. The person on the phone 
board in Lebanon cannot know the cam- 
pus well, so a detailed report must be 
given. Then the authorities must be lo- 
cated and informed as to the nature of 
the problem. The system simply does not 
work well enough to warrant reliance u- 
pon it in most situations involving secu- 
ity. 

School authorities have informed 
councelors that - in the event an intru- 
der gains entry to one of the girls' dorms - 
the nearest mens' dorm should become 
the focus of calls for assistance. Ostensi- 
bly, male counselors should be the first 
to respond. 

Although this idea sounds workable, 
it is this writer's opinion that such a pro- 
cedure is both dangerous and unwise. Cer- 
tainly the men who are called will re- 
spond, but they are not prepared or 
trained in any way to deal with a genu- 
ine threat by persons bent upon destruct- 
ion or assualt. To assume that they can 
handle the situation is wrong, to ask 
them to try to do it is worse. The ad- 
ministration cannot possibly justify en- 
dangering more students by asking them 
to play policeman. Any competent law 
enforcement officer will admonish the 
civilian to leave the matter of enforce- 
ment to the professional. Why should 
this wise counsel go ignored in the cam- 
pus community? Why should male resi- 
dents, especially counselors, feel it their 
responsibility to enforce the civil code as 
well as school rules? Giving them a can of 
mace and a .38 along with their master 
keys is not the answer. 

Although we are cognizant of the fact 

that LVC does not have a large sum to 
expend on the hiring of new personnel, 
it is our recommendation that measures 
be taken immediately to provide a rea- 
sonable degree of security for the campus 
in general. It need not be a 24 hour a day 
police force, but it should be sufficient 
to guarantee a reasonable degree of safety 
for persons and property during the noc- 
turnal hours. A reliable communications 
system would be a vital part of such a 
program. Although a small percentage of 
students would doubtless evidence their 
asininity by decrying such measures as an 
infringement upon their rights and a spy 
plot by the administration, the benefits 
derived by the campus community as a 
whole would far outweigh the expense 

and protest involved. 

* * * * 

An addendum to the tape player ripoff 




-photo by john cullather 

Tom Strohman and Barry Enzman lead the Jazz Band in an improvisation during their recent concert. 
Ben Neideigh reviews the performance in this week's Nice Junk column. 

BEN NEIDEIGH 



story in this issue would appear to be in 
order. The events related here occurred 
during the week of February 11-15, 
involving once again a concerned Funk- 
houser counselor. 

A car was foun to be illegally parked 
between the maintenance shed and the 
East side of the dorm, virtually blocking 
the area to cars and certainly posing a 
threat to any emergency vehicle which 
might attempt to navigate the pass. 
The car did not belong to a Valley 
student, and was found parked in the 
same manner repeatedly during the week 



I 




The Jazz Band concert of February 8 pejorative modifier in the superlative, 

is the subject of this column. This is, magnify it at least fifty times, and you 

however, not a review of the concert so will get an idea of my reaction to the Jazz 

much as it is an appreciation of the music Band concert. For the first time in my 

of what may well be the single most tal- tenure as Feature Editor of this paper, I 

ented aggregation of musicians on this am at a loss for words, 
campus. I will not feign objectivity; I had heard the usual ruminations; 

Finally, a counselor called the dispatcher eve n if I didn't have friends in the Jazz things like "They're really great this year," 

in Lebanon, asking that the Annville Band, any attempt to reduce this re- "Never heard them better," "They really 

view to the level of traditional criti- do some g reat stuff " 1 was somewhat 

cism would be futile. The concert anesthetized to these grumblings; I've 

was an experience in music, en- come to expect great things from the Jazz 

gulfing the audience, drawing the listen Band - They've never disappointed me. 

ers in, making them part of the event. It This year was different, however. The 



Police come up to the dorm and ticket 
the car for improper parking, blocking 
a fire access, or anything else which 
might persuade the owner to be more 
considerate in the future. The dispatcher 



stated that the police would be notified was a happening which leaves meat a loss band this year has a distinct flair for gen- 



and would respond. 

The next day, nothing yet having 
been done, the counselor again called 
the dispatcher and asked what the 
problem was. The dispatcher then 
informed the caller that the police had 
stated that there had obviously been 
an error in the information given to them, 
since "There is no East side to Funk- 
houser." The counselor then explained 
to the dispatcher that any building which 
faces north (toward the tracks) and has 
four sides must logically possess an East 
side. Realizing the wisdom of this 



for adequate descriptives. Take any non- (Continued on Page 3, Col. 1) 

Kresge Challenge 
Cutting It Close 

by Janet Bauer 

Tuition pays for only 80% of the dation offered the college $250,000 to 
costs at Lebanon Valley, as stated by help to pay for the construction of the 
President Sample in his speech on Ad- new music building. The foundation 
ministration Day. The other 20% must stipulated that the money would be 
be raised somehow, and this is the task given only if the college could raise $1.3 
of the Office of Development under the million, the remainder of the debt, by 
reasoning, the dispatcher stated that direction of Mr. Robert Wonderling. The A P ril 15,1974. 

he would indeed inform the police that office is approaching the deadline on its ( The Kresge Foundation, located in 
Funkhouser does - in fact - have an East latest endeavor, the Kresge Challenge. Detroit, Michigan, was set up by S. S. 
side. And life continues in Annville. In April of last year the Kresge Foun- Kresge, founder of the K-mart chain, 

using his personal, not the store's, for- 
tune. In 1972, the Foundation contribu- 
ted $29 million in grants to various 
projects, most dealing with the acquisi- 
tion of land and equipment by non-pro- 
fit organization. Its total worth is $902 
million.) 

A challenge committee composed of 
30 businessmen and trustees was set up 
to contact potential major contributors, 
such as alumni, parents, church, business- 
es, and friends of the college in 12 



Help Needed for 

Helping Hands 



by Pixie Spacht 

Helping Hands Weekend for the Re- 
tarded, sponsored by Alpha Phi Omega 
and Gamma Sigma Sigma, will take place 
on March 29, 30, and 31 in the center of 
the Lebanon Plaza. With this project, the 
sponsors have hopes of raising 10,000 
dollars for the Pennsylvania Association 
for Retarded Citizens. 

A carnival will be held on Friday and 
Saturday of this March Weekend. The 
events will include: games, a bake sale 
and other food, educational booths, and 
an auction of merchandise donated by 
area businessmen. Also John's Bicycle 
Shop has donated two Schwinn bicycles 



for a Bike Raffle. 

Alpha Phi Omege and Gamma Sigma 
Sigma are also challenging all sororities, 
fraternities and clubs to come up with 



booths for the PARC carmival. Use your different geographical locations 



imagination! Now is your chance to get 
involved in your community! 

An excellent way for the faculty to 
help in this project is to volunteer to 
work at the dunking booth, which will be 
one of the games offered. The more im- 
portant the faculty member, trustee, 
Mund College Center official, etc., the 
more money that will be raised for the 

(Continued on Page 3, Col. 3) 



Since the committee has raised 
$600,000 so far, $700,000 must be 
raised by April 15. Mr. Wonderling is 
confident that they will meet the dead- 
line since he feels that many people 
wait until the last minute to contribute. 

Mr. Wonderling is assisted by Mr. 
John McFadden, assistant director, and 1 
two part-time consultants. Mr. John Bat- 
tie and Dr. Raymond Koch. 



PAGE TWO 



La Vie Collegienne. Monday, February 25, 1974 



LA WE COLLEDJENNE 

LEiANON VALLEY COLLEGE ANNVILLE. PENNSYLVANIA 

Established 1925 

Volume L, Number 6 Monday, February 25, 1974 

editor '' m katzarr "an '74 

feature editor ben "eideigh '74 

sports editor john fenimore '75 

photography editor - don hostetter '77 

business manager conrad olsen '76 

asst. business manager dane wolfe '74 

religion editor howard edgar moore '74 

adv,sor : mrs. ann monteith 

WRITERS-Pixie Spacht, John Longacre, Ebe Helm, Blaine Packer, Mike 
Rhoads, Janet Bauer, Chris Edris, Stacey Pappas, Liz Shivell. 

STAFF— Dianne Hepford, Kathy Davidson, Elaine Benson, Jim Sprecher, 
Glenn Zearfoss, Andy Boltz, Steve Shoop, John Cooper, Derek Lieber, Jim 
Wright, Jeff Weaver, Mary Fuller, J.R. Porker. 

LA VIE COLLEGIENNE is published bi-weekly by the students of Lebanon 
Valley College except during examination periods and vacations. LA VIE is 
printed by Boyer Press, Lebanon, Pa. Newspaper offices are located in the 
lower level of the Allan W. Mund College Center, telephone 717-867-3561, 
ext. 316. Subscriptions by mail are available for $2.50 per semester. 
The opinions expressed in La Vie are those of the editors and do not represent 
the official position of the College. 



ANOTHER DIVERSION 
FOR DULL 
WEEKENDS 

Last year La Vie carried an advertisement for the Class of 1975's 
first annual car rally. It whimsically invited all to "Come See the 
Country" around Annville for a fun-filled and diverting Sunday after- 
noon. Cash prizes were offered to those first few drivers who finished 
the course most efficiently in the least amount of time. As in the case 
of several past student-sponsored events at the Valley, things went 
awry. 

The idea was a simple one with few of the people involved in the 
planning considering the possibility of sabotage. Nevertheless, last 
year's rally was in effect destroyed through the disgusting act of one 
sick individual. A mailbox listed on the clue sheets was uprooted and 
placed in a different spot at an intersection. This caused other contes- 
tants to go off course to such an extent that some found themselves 
driving around in circles in Elizabethtown. 

This year the Class of '75 will sponsor its second annual car rally on 
Saturday, March 16. By no means will the organizers again be thwarted 
by the perverse acts of immature students. In the first rally all the en- 
trance fees were refunded in the wake of the sabotage. Immediately 
plans were made for the upcoming competition. It can be stated on au- 
thority from the organizers that there will be a full, unhindered rally 
with prizes awarded to this year's winners. We can of course reveal little 
about the specific nature of the clues involved but we can state that 
mailboxes and other easily moved objects of the like will be avoided as 
much as possible. In general, any tampering with clues on the course 
would constitute a felony should their natural positions be disturbed 
(i.e. -blowing up the "red bridge"). This is stated not to dare anyone to 
try anything unlawful and stupid. Rather it should serve as a foresha- 
dowing of punishment should such events occur again. 

It is really a sad reflection of the times and Lebanon Valley College 
that precautions must be taken on such a deliberate level to insure 
everyone an enjoyable afternoon in the countryside. We can state 
with confidence that should anyone try to destroy this year's rally (or 
for that matter the upcoming Dance Marathon by the use of illegal 
drugs) there will be no reason for any such precautions next year's 
rally since Dean Marquette probably will refuse to authorize it, as well 
he should. 

Because of national circumstances beyond their control and the tra- 
ditional LVC student apathy, the organizers of the rally are trying even 
harder to make this vear's event successful. Last year 24 drivers and na- 
vigators entered the event. On the 16th the organizers hope to see many 
more interested in entering a contest that has worked very well in the 
past - as long as overzealous entrants do not interfere for their own 
gains. 



SPORTS UPDATES 

The girls' varsity basketball team lost to Millersville Tuesday night by 
a score of 59-30. . . . Also, John Fenimore's column this week was 
written before this past Saturday's MAC Wrestling Tournament and 
is therefore incomplete regarding the results. Our printing schedule does 
not allow for their inclusion at this time. 



Papillon, Sleeper and The Sting in Review 



by Liz Shivell 

In the few months following the win- 
ter holidays, theaters are always filled 
with the sure-fire box office hits that 
have been in storage for months. This 
year they were more than box office 
ditties to satisfy the family crowd. They 
were really impressive films. This review 
will cover only three: Papillon, Sleeper, 
and The Sting. 

Papillon is, of course, based on the 
autobiography of Henri Carriere, a man 
convicted in the French courts of killing 
a pimp and was sent to various maximum 
security prisons in the French Guiana, 
and eventually to Devil's Island. He is 
reputed to be the only man to escape 
and that is easy to believe. The screen- 
play by Dalton Trumbo and Lorenzo 
Semple follows the book very closely and 
leaves out very little of the stark realism 
that borders on brutality. But it is a 
brutal film yet not necessarily so, the 
brutality is established in the characters 
played by Steve McQueen and Dustin 
Hoffman. As the brutality slowly mounts, 
so does the tension, and you find your- 
self as obcessed with the escape as Mc- 
Queen's Papillon. But it is not the same 
rebel's obcession that you saw in The 
Great Escape and he isn't beautiful - 
he is properly aged for the role. It is a 
rare thing to see Steve McQueen act and 
it is a beautiful thing. His portrayal of a 
man driven to the limits of sanity, and 
nearly broken by the same system he 
despises is incredibly powerful. There 
are scenes where McQueen and Hoffman 
give some of the best acting in their 
screen careers: the scene where Hoffman 
tries to believe that his wife has been 
loyal over the years, and the farewell 
scene when the two friends who had 
spent the better part of their adult lives 
imprisoned together or risking their lives 
to help each other escape, must say good- 
bye for the last time. 

If either actor gets the Oscar, it will 
probably be Dustin Hoffman because he 
has a reputation of being an actor and 
not an idol, but it is Steve McQueen who 
has earned it. There are no superlatives 
for a film like Papillon - just go see it. 

Sleeper is a trip. It is almost enough t 
to say that it is written and directed by 

Woody Allen, that its plot revolves a- 
round a health food store owner who 
has been preserved in tin foil until the 
21st century, and poses as a household 
robot until they decide to replace his 
head because he is too funny looking. I 




Steve McQueen and Dustin Hoffman 
movie, Papillon. 



survey their plight in a scene from their 



could say that, but it would be a run-on 
sentence. It probably would be better to 
describe the scene where he holds the 
Leader's nose (a nose which will repro- 
duce the rest of the Leader by a system 
of advanced cloning) at gunpoint and" 
threatened to shoot the Leader right be- 
tween the eyes. I could. But I'll just say 
that Sleeper is a sharp social satire that 
pokes fun at everything from Volkes- 
wagon to Charles DeGaulle to sex to Rod 
McKuen, and back again. The camera 
work sets the right mood for every scene 
whether it be the stark hospital or the 
soft dreamy woods. Diane Keaton, who 
is not too impressive at first, developes 
her character into something more than a 
second fiddle. It can be good to laugh 
and really mean it these days. 

Unfortunately, The Sting has been 
compared to Butch Cassidy and the Sun- 
dance Kid because both have the same 
leading men. It's really a shame because 



Letters to the Editor 



Editor, La Vie: 

The coaches and wrestlers have been 
very appreciative of the support given to 
the team during the wrestling season 
this year. It is because of this that it is 
difficult to write this letter. I was shocked 
at some of the vulgar and obscene com- 
ments that came out of the stands during 
the Swarthmore match. I couldn't have 
been happier about the size of the crowd 
and the enthusiasm that was generated 
during what was probably the best dual 
meet ever held in our gym. It is because 
of this that I'm so dissapointed that a few 
of you weren't mature enough to prevent 
yourselves from the use of foul language, 
verbal abuse directed toward a very good 
official, and even discourteous comments 
to an injured opponent. Please continue 
to support our team and the other teams 
on campus but be mature and courteous 
enough to keep the language clean and do 
not direct comments to the officials or 
injured opponents. The coaches and team 
members would truly appreciate this. 
Sincerely, 
Gerald J. Petrofes 

Director of Athletics and 
Wrestling Coach 

Editor, La Vie: 

A prayer by William Barclay is on 
the last page of this week's blue top 
sheets. It is a rather short, six-line piece. 
At other times a quotation from the 
Bible appears, but some kind of exhorta- 



tion for good Christian living is always 
added. 

Really, the gesture seems innocuous. 
After all, Lebanon Valley is a Christian 
oriented college supported by the United 
Methodist Church. Everyone takes at 
least a year of religion and must attend a 
minimum of 12 out of 24 Chapel Convo- 
cation programs. 

However, why should one be subject- 
ed to a Christian pearl of wisdom while 
reading the schedule of athletics, clubs, 
films, etc.? The prayer is irrelevant to 
the purpose of the famed BLUE TOP 
SHEET and is an effrontery to many 
individuals' personal beliefs. I do not 
think an adherence to some form of 
Christianity is required for admission. 
There are ample numbers of Jewish peo- 
ple, as well as agnostics and athiests, on 
the campus. 

The faculty and a group of students 
voted to have the prayer deleted some- 
time last semester. Mr. Walter Smith de- 
sisted in the practice for about a week. 
Now one sees the item in the usual 
place and an additional proverb on the 
Campus Directory in the College Center 
lobby. Obviously Mr. Smith feels the 
teachers' opinions have little merit. 

I sincerely hope the practice discon- 
tinues and to enlist the support of others 
who feel the same way. 

Yours truly, 
Stacey Pappas 



the film is more than a rehash for a good 
acting team. It's really a well done mo- 
vie about two men who plan to rook a 
leading hood for all he's worth to get 
even for the gangland murder of an old 
partner. They form an elaborate trap 
that has you stung along with the victim. 
The film stars, of course, Paul Newman 
and Robert Redford in roles that seem 
like real people instead of movie good- 
guys, with a supporting cast including 
Ray Walston and Robert Shaw. It's a lot 
of fun. See you there. 



Religious 
Emphasis Day 



Dr. Ernest Campbell, senior pastor of 
Riverside Church in New York, will be 
the guest speaker for Religious Empha- 
sis Day, March 13th. 

Unlike the typical prestigious urban 
cleric, Dr. Campbell's ministerial exper- 
ience has not been confined solely to 
the metropolitan institutional church. 
Prior to being called to the pastorate at 
Riverside, he served several churches W 
Eastern Pennsylvania, including app°i nt ' 
ments in the immediate area. Hence' 
Campbell is no stranger to the social and 
intellectual climate prevalent both in tne 
urban and "rural" church. 

Dr. Campbell also possesses an in 1 ' 
pressive list of academic credentials rang 
ing from studies at Bob Jones UniversiO 
to Princeton Theological Seminary 
has been awarded two honorary doctor 



He 



ates, is held in high esteem as a 



teacher 



and lecturer, and is acclaimed one of Am 
erica's outstanding preachers. 



Sir 



Grand Duke 

The Grand Duke, written by 
William Gilbert and Sir Arthur Sulliva^" 
a light opera. First performed in 1 ' 
the show ran 123 performances. H 
never been done professionally in tne ^ \v 

Regardless of the precedent, the s 
will be performed at L.V.C. March ' 
30, and 31; and April 5, 6, and 
Thomas Hostetter, an alumnus of ^ a j 0r 
college, is directing. Some of the 
roles are played by Christopher 
Lynne Warfel, Chris Walbourn, J ett ^' 
Kern, Kevin Pry and Holly J° hnS ° 
Don't miss it! 



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* 



l£ Vie Collegiennc, Monday, February 25, 1974 



PAGE THREE 



(Continued from Page I, Col. 5) 

e rating excitement; the musicians seem 
looser, freer, more willing to extend them- 
selves, to expend the sum of their creative 

ener gies in one prolonged, incandescent 
movement. Yes, I know that last sentence 
fttaS insufferably poetic. I don't give a 
dam"- 

Reasons behind my reaction? I don't 
l^ow. Maybe it was their material. Maybe 
jt W as the freer spirit of the band as a 
w fiole. Maybe this year's band is, man 
for man, more talented than any in re- 
cent memory. Maybe I was just plain 
• u p" for the concert after braving the 
foul tempests of Winter in Annville to get 
there. Maybe it was the warmth of seeing 
several close friends do what they do 
best, wishing them well, being somewhat 
envious (downright jealous, in fact) of 
tn eir talents. I suppose I'll always be 
something of a frustrated musician; I 
know damn well that eight years of 
piano lessons, six years of theory, and 
three years of playing Tiffs in various 
marginally successful rock bands wouldn't 
be enough to cut it in their company. I 
respect and admire them all. 

Perhaps most gratifying of all, how- 
ever, was seeing the culmination of four 
years of playing together evidenced by 
the seniors in the band. Enzman and 
Kauffman-names and musicians insepar- 
able, the essence of the band's collective 
persona, combining the looseness of pre- 
collegiate rock experience with the pro- 
fessional ambience and consummate, 
cooled-out proficiency of the classic jazz- 
man. Tom Strohman-Protean, chame- 
leon-like improvisational talent, without 
adoubtthe single most talented musician 
of the bunch, and not a bad composer 
either (need lyrics for "That's It," Tom?). 
Doug Arthur-constant companion of the 
band, stuck for three years behind the 
dazzling presence and technique of Wayne 
pox, now finally emerging as a uniquely 
gifted arranger and possessing refreshing 
ly contemporary piano stylization. To 
know these guys is to appreciate their 
devotion to their art, and to recognize 
•he joy that they find in their common 
endeavor. 

Not that there is any lesser talent in 

APO Blood 

Drive 
Initiated 

by Joel Per sing 

The pledge class of Nu Delta Chapter, 
A1 Pha Phi Omega, National Service Fra- 
gility i s sponsoring a blood drive on 
Jesday, February 26, and Tuesday, 
arc h 12. In cooperation with the Cen- 
tral Pennsylvania Blood Bank, APO has 
Ranged to bring the bloodmobile to the 
°"ege Center parking lot on the above 
h ate s from 9 AM to 3 PM. Due to the 
u 8e success in sign-ups for the first 
,e > a second day was added. Two plans 
available to those who wish to donate. 
J s <> there is the family plan where the 
n °r and three members of his family 
^ Ve access to the blood bank for any 
If k ° f blood durin g the following year. 
^ ^ e donor chooses the second plan, 
of 0od will be credited to the account 
^ an area hemophiliac, who at last report 

a debt of over two hundred pints. 
a „ ^ ltn °ugh this is their first attempt at 

lUm" CampUS bl °° d drive ' AP0 has made 
, er er °us trips to Hershey Medical Cen- 

tj e to d °nate blood to open heart pa- 

fcju S ' ner nophiliacs, victims of automo- 

tty Q accid ents, and even a professor or 

hin ths past two y ears - the or ~ 

Sd has r;lised in excess of two 
b| fed P'nts of blood. The need for 



«Hd 



° tfle increasing demand can be seen. 
Ke m ° ne 'Crested should contact Curt 
be r ^ erer °r any APO brother. Remem- 
\\xu y may come when you are the 



ls greater now than ever and no 



" Who is in need. 



nice junk 



the underclassmen ranks. The band is 
fortunate to have found a trumpeter 
with the dimensions of talent and poten- 
tial exhibited by freshman Bob Meashey. 
His solos were dazzling; his improvisations 

were unique and well-patterned. Two 
welcome additions to the rhythm section, 
percussionist Bill (Tony) Sudeck and 
"vibrator" Pete Wannemacher (sorry a- 
bout the bad pun) added new and 
tasty possibilities for small-combo num- 
bers (I especially liked "Memphis Under- 
ground") Alan Roth's mastry of the Fen- 
der bass and his ability to change styles 
are ample demonstration of his unique 
abilities. This is most definitely a band 
with a future. 

Rosengarden and Levinsky? What 
would you have me say, the obvious; 
that they are masters of their instru- 
ments, that their version of "Summer 
of '42" was fresh and evocative despite 

having been run into the ground by many 
lesser talents and thousands of Muzak- 
influenced interpretations, that I finally 
got to hear "Caravan" with a (bongo) 
drum solo? They were quite good. 

Actually, I don't know why I bother 
with this review. Those of you who were, 
as I was, present at the concert need no 
review to convince them of the incredible 
power and beauty of the event; those of 
you who weren't missed something that 
will not often be repeated. To the band: 
I'm sorry guys; I just don't have anything 
more to say. Cripes, it's tough to write 
when your brain runs out of things to 
mention, when a mere number-by-num- 
ber review of a concert such as this is 
both unappropriate and unnecessary to 
the "initiated." Do your stuff again 
soon... at the Arts Festival, I'm sure. 
Your music is like peanuts or potato 



chips, if you know what I mean. 

Anybody who didn't make the con- 
cert deserves it. 



helping 



(Continued from Page 1, Col. 4) 

retarded citizens. 

On Sunday, March 31, the weekend 
will end with another Bike Hike, similar 
to the one last year. The course will be 
twenty miles is length. It will begin at 
the Lebanon Plaza. Each rider must ask 
people to sponsor him by paying him an 
arbitrary amount of money for each mile : 
he travels. Arrangements are being made 
for all riders who complete the course to 
receive free food at MacDonalds. Stu- 
dents are urges to participate in this wor- 
thy carse as riders or sponsors. 

Come to the Helping Hands Weekend 
for the Retarded! Enjoy yourself, play 
some games, but most of all, help some- 
one. 



Give 
the 
world 
a little 

gin 

today. 
Blood. 



+ 



The American 
Red Cross. 
The Good 
Neighbor. 



Edris Garage 

4 Miles South of Lebanon 
Valley Campus on Route 
322 



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crossword puzzle 



Answer to Puzzle No. 110 



ACROSS 
1 Bench 
4 Women's lio 

tennis champ 
8 Death rattle 

12 Use (Lat. infin.) 

1 3 Jacob's twin 

14 Arabian gulf 

15 Carpet 

16 Tennis star 
Evonne 

18 Male chauvinist 
tennis pro 

20 Trading center 

21 California city 
(ab.) 

22 Melody 

23 Asian country 
27 Barbary -- 

29 Your (Fr.) 

30 Cattle center 

31 Symbol: selenium 

32 Duct 

33 Word with 
sewing or spelling 

34 Form of the 
verb "to be" 

35 Burt Reynolds, 
for one 

37 All - one! 

38 The Great 
Emancipator 

38 — the Red 

40 Wapiti 

41 American 
League (ab.) 

42 Inlet 

44 Tennis ace 

Rod — 
47 Public 

declaration 

51 Suffix used 
to form 

feminine nouns 

52 WW II surrender 
site 

53 Certain Greek 
letters 

54 Word ending 
with picker or 
wit 

55 Teenage scourge 

56 Kind 

57 Dutch city 



DOWN 

1 Feline sound 

2 Case for small 
articles 

3 Move from 
side to side 

4 Barrels 

5 Combining 
form: equal 

6 Mother-in-law 
of Ruth, et.al. 

7 On the throat 

8 Predecessor of 
jazz 

9 "Much — about 
Nothing" 

10 Masculine 
nickname 

1 1 School subject 
(ab.) 

17 Symbol: silver 

19 State (ab.) 

22 Roman bronze 

24 Egyptian sun god 

25 Melville's 
captain 

26 Reputation 

27 Tennis star 
Arthur 

28 A noble 

29 Color 




Over (poet.) 

Pasteur's 

discovery 

American editor 

and author 

1863-1930 

Note of the 

scale 

Plump 

Pertaining 

to the abdomen 

Tennis flash 

Chris 

Hope of 

inebriates (ab.) 

Preposition 

Mislay 

Wife of 

Geraint 



46 Network 

47 Extinct bird 

48 Kind of welder 

49 Feminine 
nickname 

50 Toy 




Distr. by Puzzles, Inc. No. 1 11 » 



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LEBANON PLAZA 10:00 A.M. TO 9:30 P.M. 



PAGE FOUR 



La Vie Collegienne, Monday February 25, \ 



97 4 



Dutchmen 
on the 
Rebound 

(Editor's note- As we go to press the 
varsity team has just beaten Ursinus 
99 - 74 behind the shooting of Bue- 
sing (22). Brown (18), Schoek (15). 
and the rebounding o f senior Bob Roes.) 
by Ebe Helm 

When I left you last, Lebanon Val- 
ley was in the midst of a long losing 
streak and on the verge of a disastrous 
season. At that time it was hoped that 
the team would turn around: and they 
did. Behind the great individual perform- 
ance of Don Buesing where he averaged 
23 points over a five game span, Lebanon 
Valley came alive and sparked a small 
hope of gaining the MAC playoffs. Don's 
effort gave him first team ECAC honors, 
a distinction that is not easily attained 
but through superior effort. 

Against Johns Hopkins the team play- 
ed very well. They were able to stay 
close until the last eight minutes when 
Hopkins stretched out the spread to a 1 2 
point win. A big win at F&M retaliated 
for an earlier loss during the Sponaugle 
Tournament. It was a close game through- 
out until Valley went to a ten point lead 

late in the game and held on with clutch 
foul shooting from four different people. 
In almost a repeat of the tuu previous 
games, the Dutchmen lost to Muhlen- 
berg. Against Washington the team went 
wild. Everyone played as the players 
breezed to a 99-85 win. Buesing's 2z 
points was high, but the real story was 
Lin Griffith's 19 points. That really help- 
ed to make the win a big one. Jim Schoch 
and Bob Roes also contributed 19 points 
and 18 points respectively in the romp. 
The next game at Widener saw the 
Dutchmen get blown out 76-45. The one 
bright spot was Buesing's 18 points. In 




-photo by don hostetter 

Al Shortell maneuvers for a win during a recent home wrestling match. 



ell led Valley with 14 points, followed 
by Ed Neideigh with 1 1 points, and Bob 
Roes with 10 points. At this point Leba- 
non Valley has a Mathematical chance of 
gaining the MAC playoffs. They are in 
sixth place in the Southern Division 
with a 4-5 record in the leagur. They 
had to win against Ursinus on Monday 
the 18th and Western Maryland two 
nights later if they were to have any 
chance at all for the MAC's. 

In JV action, the winless streak on 
the road continued. Kurt Kemmerer 
had 33 points in a losing cause with 




-photo by don hostetter 

Charlie Brown and Coaches Sorrentino and Correll intently view the happen- 
ings on the basketball court as things began picking up for the Dutchmen. 



another conference game at Moravian 
the Dutchmen opened up a 41-28 half- 
time score then held on at the end for a 
close win. They had maintained a ten 
point lead throughout but just seemed to 
take Moravian too easy towards the fin- 
ish. Charlie Brown's 18 points sparked 
the Dutchmen as his high scoring was 
complimented by his excellent defensive 
play. 

In their latest contest Valley was 
dealy an 89-61 defeat by Albright. The 
team was within striking range through- 
out, but due to their own cold streak 

and the hot shooting of Mellini and 
Ricketts of Albright, the Dutchmen were 
knocked out of the contest. Ray Mitch- 



Scott Brogan adding another 14 points 
of his own against Albright. The score of 
the poorly reffed game was 66-63. The 
JV squad is 0-8 on the road while post- 
ing a 5-1 mark at home. That says 
something about the excitement of the 
home crowd. Kemmerer continues to be 
outstanding along with Brogan while 
Frank Tavani and Dave Guare provide 
the rest of the firepower. 

Coach Sorrentino is very encouraged 
over the recent play by his young team. 
They have battled back when they could 
have easily folded. The team is jelling as a 
unit as they look better than they have 
all year. Gaining poise and experience 
they will be tough in the remaining games 
and hopefully in the MAC's. 



"Vbu've 

always 

thought 

you 

were 

a Good 

Neighbor. 

(JoinUs.) 



There are a lot of jobs to be 
done in this world, helping people 
in trouble, in pain, in distress 
American Red Cross takes on more 
of these jobs than anybody 
Surprised 7 

Remember: Red Cross is more 
than blood drives Its more than 
helping the thousands of victims of 
disasters In fact. American Red 
Cross tackles over 100 different 
kinds of Helping People jobs— in 
the city, the suburbs, wherever you 
are 

We need money, its true, so we 
can go on offering all our free serv- 
ices But we also need hearts And 
hands And conviction 

Call your local chapter Join us 



+ 



The American 
Red Cross. 
The Good 
Neighbor. 




John Fenimore 



The 



Athletic Supporter 



February is a tired month. It is like 
a behind the looking-glass view of barren 
November. Colorless. The athlete dur- 
ing conditioning never perspires; he 
sweats. The sweat of a winter athlete 
during the conditioning month of Novem- 
ber flows rich and full. During late Feb- 
ruary, however, the sweat escapes almost 
with hesitance. After three months of 
practice and intense competition, the 
athlete must conciously psych himself. 
The oft-rehearsed moves now appear al- 
most instinctively, occuring from self- 
experience, like a nearly burnt-out can- 
dle existing on its own melted wax. It 
seems appropriate that February is ab- 
breviated in length, so the season can be 
rid of its lethargy, and the transition of 
March can come at last. 

The winter sports finish their runs of 
main attraction on the LVC campus this 
week. The wrestlers conclude their most 
successful season this week-end in the 
Middle Atlantic Conference tournament 
at Delaware Valley. Last year LVC had 
four place winners in Steve Sanko, Al 
Shortell, Doug Dahms, and John Fech- 
isin. It will be a disappointment if at least 
that many don't come home with medal 
and ribbon again. 

Throughout the season the home 
crowds have slowly increased in number, 
though they are still far from respect- 
able for a team which has won 16 of its 
19 matches. At times the steady, mono- 
tonous ticking of the clock during a bout 
has been the loudest noise in Lynch. The 
crowds are still unsophisticated in its 
cheering-primitively boisterous at a sud- 
den pin, but unknowing in the science of 
the mat; seeming almost bored at times. 

The wrestlers themselves remain con- 
stant and stellar in their performances. 
Sophomores Neil Fasnacht and George 
Kline, though better than most of the op- 



position last year, have improved 



"otic, 



Pre. 



ably. And surely no one could have 
dieted Doug DeMuth's 12-5-1 record 
freshman. Sophomore Jim Ewin \\^ 
and again has stepped in at 1 34 and n t f 
faced one ot the opponent s tough 
grapplers. Another sophomore, 
Priester, continues to amaze with his i n 
credable bursts of speed and chain 
moves. 

John Truscello, a freshman, hasb^ 
yet another surprise, and has held • 
gether steadily the always tough \^ 
class. Steve Sanko again has been j„ 
credible. Unquestionable better than at 
of his opponents this season, Steve hold 
LVC's best chance to win the MAC' S 
Doug Dahms and John Fechisin have 
shared duties at the unlimited division 
and although somewhat disappoint^ 
for the most part have won when they', 
had to. Junior co-captain Chet Mostelle- 
has held down the mid-point of the line- 
up with class, and is now well up ovei 
thirty career victories. 

This week-end the Dutchmen will be 
represneted on the mats by seniors Guv 
Lesser and Al Shortell for the final time 
Lesser has to be everybody's comeback 
wrestler of the year. Guy has been the 
pivotal wrestler in many of the matches 
and has carried the role appreciably, 
coming from 3-5 a year ago to 10-3-2 this 
season. If anyone has ever had a bad word 
to say about Al Shortell. I've yet to heat 
of it. The Speaker of the House of LVC 
Wrestling, Al has been one of the more 
overlooked grapplers, drawing little at- 
tention but winning consistantly, collect- 
ing 15 wins this year and 35 victories life- 
time. He should draw some attention this 
week-end; it will be his last chance. Soon 
after Saturday February will finally suc- 
cumb to March. February is a tired 
month. 



Girls Improve Record 



by Stacey Pappas 
Under the skillful coaching of Ms. 
Yuhas, the girls' basketball team now 
holds an impressive 6-3 record. They de- 
feated Lancaster College of the Bible 
(46-32) and York College (42-25). Their 
losing game with Messiah on the home 
court could only be attributed to a 
sloppy team effort. Inclement weather 
cancelled the game with E-town on 
Friday, February 8, and the rescheduled 
game on Monday was a disappointing 
loss. Lebanon Valley played a good de- 
fensive game and led in the first half, 
16-14; they couldn't keep that edge 



though, and the final score was 37-26. 

The team rallied against Eastern. 
Anita Morbach led the scoring with a 
whopping 18 points; Co-captain Debbie 

Speir scored a respectable 1 1 and Debbie 
Gernerd and co-captain Dixie Drybread 

scored 9 points each. 

The JV team posts a 24 record thus 
far, with wins against Susquehanna and 
E-town. Messiah and Millersville will be 
played at home on the 15 th and 19* 
respectively. Then, the team will travel 
to Kutztown on the 21st and Dickinson 
on the 27th. 




The new music building continues to rise while the Kresge Challenge d eiC 
approaches with $700,000 needed by April 15. 



LfllH PQQN CDLLEGIENIXE 



Volume II, Number 1 



Lebanon Valley College, Annville, Pennsylvania 17003 



Monday, April 1, 1974 



WALTER SMITH DISMISSED 
AS CENTER DIRECTOR 



Lebanon Valley College President 
prederick P. Sample announced this morn- 
ing that Walter L. Smith, Jr. has been 
„iven a "mandatory indefinite leave of 



absence 



" from his duties as Director of 



l^e Allan W. Mund College Center. 
Smith's suspension comes in the wake of 
lys recent conviction on two counts of 
Disturbing the Peace and two counts of 
assault with Intent to Maim. 

Smith's troubles began on March 14 
of this year when Chief Herman Heisey of 
the Annville Police Force received a tele- 
phone call from an anonymous LVC coed 
indicating that Smith had been seen run- 
ning across campus clad in black leotards 
and cape with a large red "s" emblazoned 
on his chest in Magic Marker. According 
to the caller, Smith was dashing around 
screaming "Memo! Memo!" and attach- 
ing a series of Xeroxed copies of Public 
Relations memoranda to telephone poles, 
vinyl car tops, and the posts of the split- 
rail fence which stands on front of the 
College Center. Smith also was heard e- 
mitting an odd, cackling laughter as he 
ran. Several later calls from other LVC 
students corroborated the original charge. 

Immediately after the last of these 
calls, Chief Heisey deputized two Ann- 
ville residents (who have chosen to remain 
anonymous) and, as a three man team, 
placed Smith under surveillance and main- • 
tained it for a two-week period which was 
to have ended March 28. 

During this period, the team of agents 
reported two-w cid a n ts-of D istu r bi n g th.e- 
Peace and one incident of Assault with 
Intent to Maim. On the morning of 
March 19 at 3:27 AM EDT the agents 
reported spotting Smith perched atop 
the northeast stoplight stancheon at the 
intersection of Routes 934 and 422. 
Smith was clad in the same garb as he 
had been described by the first caller with 
the exception of a Mouseketeer hat which 
was not previously reported. According 
to Chief Heisey, Smith was "Yelling 
Announcement! Announcement!' some- 
thin' awful and throwin' these here 
Fund for Fulfillment' brochures all over 
Nation. We might still tack on a charge 
of Littering!" The agents' attempt to 



apprehend Smith on the scene was foiled 
when Smith jumped from the stancheon 
onto the tarpaulin of a truck heading 
west on Route 422 and sped off in the 
direction of Palmyra, spewing brochures 
as he went. 

The second incident of Disturbing 
the Peace occurred on the night of March 
26 at precisely 11:24 PM EDT. This 
time the team of agents was successful in 
apprehending Smith. Smith was discover- 
ed in the back seat of a 1957 DeSoto 
parked along the north side of Summit 
Street behind Hammond Hall. According 
to Chief Heisey, Smith was "caterwaulin' 
like mad, yelling somethin' about 'per- 
sonal messages' or some such thing. We 
found him dressed in the same leotards 
and cape, with a big red V painted on 
his chest. He was just sittin' in the back of 
the car yellin' and Staplin' a whole mess 
of 3x5 cards addressed to some 'Rinso' 
or somebody all over the inside of the 
car. 

The agents had to drag Smith from 
the back of the car. While being pulled 
from the vehicle, Smith laughed hyster- 
ically and admonished the officers to 
"Please keep your feet off the tables." 
During the statement of constitutional 
rights Smith attempted to staple a 3x5 
card to Chief Heisey's lower lip. The re- 
sult was the addition of the first charge 
of Assault with Intent to Maim. Chief 
Heisey was treated at the LVC Infirmary, 
where Nurse Margie M. Yeiser applied 
Parke-Davis No. 71 -Y Throat Spray to the 
wound and wrapped Heisey's lower face 
in an Ace Bandage. Nurse Yeiser also of- 
fered to apply a tourniquet to Heisey's 
neck to stop what she described as "Cop- 
ious bleeding" but was refused by Heisey. 

Smith was jailed at 12:02 A.M., EDT, 
March 27, after being provided with what 
Chief Heisey termed "suitable garments". 
His bail was set at $13.49, the figure re- 
presenting Nurse Yeiser's charge for ser- 
vices rendered upon Chief Heisey. Bail 
was posted by Dr. George R. Marquette, 
LVC Dean of Students, who was at the 
jail posting bail for four LVC freshmen 
who had been charged with Underage 
Drinking resulting from a police raid on 




Walter L. Smith: Before the Fall 



the Hotel Annville earlier in the evening. 
Commenting, "It's been a busy evening 
for you guys" to Chief Heisey, Dean 
Marquette dismissed the four underaged 
offenders and attempted to escort Smith 
from the jail to his home for some "man- 
to-man talk." As they neared the door of 
the police station, Smith retrieved an FBI 
wanted poster from the jail's bulletin 
board and tacked said poster to Mar- 
quette's hind quarters. Smith was imme- 
diately seized, handcuffed, charged with 
the second count of Assault with Intent 
to Maim, and returned to his cell. Chief 
Heisey reported that by this time Smith 
was "somewhat quieter," but continued 
to mutter strange references to "person- 
al messages" and "blue-top sheets" while 
drooling from both corners of his mouth. 

An additional $13.49 was added to 
Smith's bail fee as coverage for Mar- 
quette's injuries. After treatment at the 
jail by Chief Heisey, Dean Marquette 
again posted bail and transferred Smith, 
who was by this time gagged. and straight- 
jacketed, from the jail to the Care and 
Confinement ward of nearby Philhaven 
Hospital. 

Marquette obtained the services of 
lawyer Michael Perizous of Lancaster, Pa. 

(Continued on Page 6, Col. 1) 




.The Schwartzfeld Challenge was begun by-Mr. George Schwartzfeld as part of his effort to pay his daughter, Jane's, 
tu 'tio n at Lebanon Valley College. He says if he can get contributors to shell over $2,000 by September 1, 1974, he will 
C ° n, ribute a matching amount so that Jane may attend LVC in 1974-75. This family portrait depicts Mr. Schwartzfeld 
and J ane on the site of their new high-rise shack. He is a former independent gasoline dealer who has turned to a more 
SUcc essful trade as Altoona's first lobster fisherman. 



NIXON RESIGNS OFFICE; 
FORD PRESIDENT 



Richard M. Nixon, 37th President of 
the United States of America, has re- 
signed his office, effective at 11:40 A.M. 
EDT, April 1, 1974. 

In a prepared statement issued by 
Presidential Press Secretary Ronald L. 
Ziegler, Mr. Nixon indicated, "I am 
giving up my office for the woman I 
love." Mr. Ziegler stated that the former 
President left Washington for his Key 
Biscayne resort at 11:20 A.M. EDT. 
Accompanying the former President was 
his personal secretary and constant com- 
panion Miss Rose Mary Woods. 

Ziegler indicated that recent specula- 
tion about marital problems between Ju- 
lie Nixon Eisenhower and her husband 
David Eisenhower was leaked by the 
office of White House Chief of Staff 
General Alexander Haig as a coverup 
for the former President's own domestic 
disturbances. 

Divorce proceedings were initiated in 
secrecy by White House Lawyer Fred J. 
Buzhardt on March 17 of this year but 



as yet the existing problems have not 
been successfully resolved. In a separate 
statement released by Mrs. Patricia Nixon, 
Assistant Press Secretary Gerald Warren 
stated that Mrs. Nixon had been given 
a mandate by the people to serve as their 
First Lady until 1976 and has no inten- 
tion of giving up her position as Hostess 
of the White House. Mrs. Nixon is re- 
portedly secluded in the Oval Office of 
the Executive Mansion. 

Gerald R. Ford was sworn in as the 
nation's 38th President at noon today by 
Chief Justice Warren Burger. In a brief 
statement following the administering of 
the oath of office, President Ford dis- 
closed his selection of Clarence Kelly, 
currently the head of the Federal Bureau 
of Investigation, as Vice President-desig- 
nate. 

Mr. Ford stated that the selection of 
Mr. Kelly "signifies the best effort on my 
behalf to remove crime from the Execu- 
tive branch of our government and put 
it back in the streets where it belongs." 



DESTROYED BY FIRE 



Saylor Hall burned down yesterday 
causing damages estimated in the neigh- 
bor hood of $1.98. The structure was an 
aging girls' dormitory on the Lebanon 
Valley College campus. Dean of Students, 
George R. Marquette, caught by surprise 
by the blaze, was shocked to learn that 
he was fresh out of hot dogs and marsh- 
mellows. 

The structure has served as a dorm 
for 16 girls attending school at the col- 
lege and had recently come under attack 
by the campus news media as being vul- 
nerable to fires. The building was con- 
structed of flammable materials and 
housed many hot items such as Debbie,, 
Nancy, and Susie. Several complaints 
were made throughout recent months to 
members of the administration regarding 
the hazards present, not only in this but 
also in other dorms on the campus. The 
maintenance department, under the guid- 
ance of Dr. Riley before Dr. Tronsveld's 
arrival, responded by installing matresses 
in Saylor once belonging to a little old 
lady from Pasadena who only smoked in 
bed once. According to their labels the 
mattresses did not meet federal flamma- 
bility standards. When questioned about 
this fact, an administration source re- 
sponded by saying, "Whereas these mat- 
tresses do not meet certain safety stan- 
dards set by the federal government, we 
feel that we have taken positive steps to 
reduce possible loss by filling the dorm 
with occupants who do not meet certain 
safety standards of the American Medical 
Association." 

No one was injured in the blaze which 
began in the middle of the afternoon 
while most of the occupants were attend- 
ing classes. First flickers of the fire were 
detected in room 103 on the first floor 
at 2:37 P.M. The flames spread through- 
out the building consuming everything in 
their path. All objects were systematically 
destroyed and converted into heaps of 
ashes. The stately mansion resisted gal- 
lantly but in the end it gave up the fight. 
The entire structure was reduced to a 
smouldering hulk by 2:38 P.M. 

As he began his investigation of the 
fire, Annville Fire Chief Samuel Zearfoss 
was asked what his opinion was as to the 
origin of the blaze. Mr. Zearfoss replied 
that although his investigation had not as 
yet been concluded, he had found "hot 
spots" in the ruins. "Hot spots" are areas 



of concentrated heat and fire and are in- 
dicative of the influence of flammable 
materials and/or fluids such as gasoline. 
(Continued on Page 2, Col. 5) 

Tronsveld 

Appointed 

Translator 



Dr. Thorgen Von Tronsveld, world- 
famous linguist, has been appointed trans- 
lator for the LVC Maintenance Depart- 
ment, effective immediately, according 
to Dr. George Marquette, Dean of Stu- 
dents. 

A Swedish native, Dr. Tronsveld is a 
noted authority on Coptic, Syriac, Hin- 




Maintenese Translator Tronsveld 



dustani and Polish. It will be his respon- 
sibility to communicate abstract Anglo- 
Saxon concepts such as hot, cold, on and 
off to the personnel of the department. 
Hopefully, this will enable them to re- 
spond to service calls more quickly and 
efficiently than has previously been the 
case. 

Translation of "maintenese" had baf- 
fled scholars for years, until Dr. Trons- 
(Continued on Page 6, Col. 3) 



i 



i r ~ — -— -~ v i 



Page Two 



Lam Poon Collegienne, Monday, April 1 , 19^ 



Lfu mm ctjiegienne 

LEBANON VALLEY COLLEGE ANNVILLE, PENNSYLVANIA 

Established 1973 



Volume II, Number 1 



Monday, April 1, 1974 



supreme malefactor jim katzaman '74 

provocateur extraordinaire ben neideigh '74 

master of games and revels john fenimore '75 

resident exorcist Howard edgar moore '74 

deviate-in-exile mike rhoads '75 

depravo emeritus david m. gordon '73 

financier conrad olsen '76 

seeing eye don hostetter '77 

matron of matters farcical mrs. ann monteith 

ultimate towny dane wolfe '74 

PERIPHERAL SOCIOPATHS- Pixie Spacht, Bob Harbaugh, Jim Sprecher, Perry 
White, Clark Kent, Lois Lane, Jimmy Olson, with cameo appearances by Daniel 
Ellsberg, Sally Quinn, Drew Pearson, Walter Winchell, John Pulitzer, W.R. Hearst, 
and the original cast of The Front Page. 

PROLETARIAN MULTITUDE- Diane Hepford, Kathy Davidson, Elaine Benson, 
Glenn Zearfoss, Andy Boltz, Steve Shoop, Derek Lieber, Jim Wright, Jeff Weaver, 
Liz Reitz, Mary Fuller, John Cooper, Roxanne Rainford, Doug Demuth, Scott 
Lefever, J.R. Porker, Robert Milkwood Thomas, and L'Angelo Mysterioso. 

LAM POON COLLEGIENNE is casually thrown together once a year by second 
semester seniors who are assured of graduation from Lebanon Valley College 
with the help of a few reckless underclassmen. They could care less if it did not 
come out at all, let alone during examination periods or vacations. Student 
Council funds from student activities fees are used to print this paper at Boyer 
Press, Lebanon, Pennsylvania, because this is the only thing from which the 
students can get their money's worth all year. Offices for this paper shortage 
holdout are located in the bowels of the Allan W. Mund College Center (other- 
wise known as "Wally's Place"), telephone 717-867-3561, extension 316. Anyone 
gullible enough to pay for a subscription by mail for this atrocity must be a 
graduate of this institution. 

Any opinions which might inadvertantly be expressed in LAM POON are purely 
accidental but in some way may reflect the thoroughly warped minds of the 
editors, but not the administrators of Lebanon Valley College (they're on their 
own bad trip). 



A CASE OF THE RUNS 



Lebanon Valley College students have once again chosen to give the 
administration an undeserved slap in the face, From time immemorial 
this institution has stood above the transgressions of the rest of society. 
Just because other schools were setting bad examples in policies and 
practices this did not mean that LVC had to follow along in their same 
degenerate footsteps. Why should not we be better than the rest? 

Now, in the wake of society's latest surge through social atrocity, the 
students of LVC have seen fit to succumb to temptation and "do like 
the rest". The absurdity of streaking is slowly gaining a foothold on 
campus and threatens our very existence as a church-related institution. 

During Spring Vacation President Sample, in an interview sent to 
over 100 newspapers and to the Associated Press for national release, 
stated that there was no streaking at Lebanon Valley College and that 
such activities were contrary to the basic aims of education and to those 
of LVC in particular {i.e.- raising money). As was the case so often in 
the past, Dr. Sample was almost right. The only small detail which he 
failed to take into account was the end of Spring Vacation and the 
return of 1100 ungrateful students. 

Ungrateful is not too unkind a term since these students are blessed 
with the benefits of association with the college family. They can hear 
intellectually stimulating lectures in chapel; meet the maintenance 
department at coffee hour; and receive fatherly advice from Dr. 
Frederick P. Sample every Thursday at 11:00 A.M. 

The President, in trusting the student body's moral fiber, overlooks 
the fact that the aforesaid fiber is basically synthetic. These students 
who have apparently no regard for their own well-being should be 
considered expendable and expelled from the college. We can get 
along very well without them. 



QUOTE OF THE WEEK 



IF YOU COUGH, BURP, SNEEZE, AND FART AT 



THE SAME TIME. YOU WILL BE MISTAKEN 



FOR A BALMER SHOWERS LECTURER. 



J. O. BEMESDERFER 




DEATHS of NOTABLES 



Dr. David Gring: Singed 

A fire in the biology department 
claimed the lives of four of the college's 
professors. Dr. Ann Henninger, Dr. David 
Gring, Dr. Paul Wolf, and Dr. Alan Wolfe 
all died in the blaze. Dr. Williams re- 
mained in his lab where he dug a trench 
around himself and was ultimately res- 
cued by the forest rangers. Dr. Jeanne 
Argot escaped injury by quickly be- 
coming an endospore. 



Dr. John Heffner died yesterday at 
his residence in Annville. He was 28. 

Dr. Heffner was wounded yesterday 
in a shooting afray on Main Street in Ann- 
ville. An irate student fired two 1 2 guage 
deer slugs into Dr. Heffner's head. Ex- 
amining doctors reported that the slugs 
entered the left side of Heffner's head 
approximately 1 inch above the right ear 
and exited on the right side of the head 
approximately V2 inch above the ear. Hef- 
fner was taken to the Hershey Medical 
Center where he was treated for flesh 
wounds and released. After returning 
home he died following a short bout with 
boredom. 

Born Doctor John Heffner in Ann- 
ville in 1946, he temporarily dropped the 
name Doctor as a boy because he thought 
it too pretentious to use among the other 
children his age. Graduating from Ann- 
ville-Cleona High School in 1964 he 
went on to attend Lebanon Valley Col- 
lege in Annville Pa. where he majored in 
Physics, Metaphysics, and Philosophy. 
With all this wordly experience behind 
him, it was only natural that he joined 
the Lebanon Valley College faculty as an 



instructor of philosophy. By now un D 
tentious about his pretentiousness h 
reacquired the name Doctor and proc e J 
ed with three years of rewarding acade 
ic pursuits. 

It was Doctor Heffner who hel 
popularize the La Vie's Letters to 
Editor column by his tacitly witty 6 
marks which brought endless laughs^ 
the readers of the publication. Indeed 
he added a new dimension to the mean 
ing of the word, Doctor. Gradually ne 
started to overcome his image as a towny 
but this goal in his life remained unat^ 
tained as death cut him off in the pri me 
of his young life. 

Quickly word of his passing spread 
throughout the college family bringing 
expressions of shock and disbelief to all 
who heard it. One of his fellow colleagues 
on the faculty sent a telegram saying, "$ 
what else is new?" And Melany Swartz 
a student of his through three Philosophy 
110 courses said, "At last he finally de- 
cided to admit it." 

Funeral arrangements are not defin- 
ite pending the selection of pall bearers 
from the list of applicants. . 



Energy Crisis Strikes theValley 



Lebanon Valley College's Mund Col- 
lege Center's new director Marcia Gehris 
announced today some new measures to 
be instituted by Mund College Center to 
deal with the energy crisis. To save elec- 
tricity the lights will be turned off in the 
non-essential areas of the Center. Asked 
if this will not be a hinderance to opera- 
tions Miss Gehris replied, "I don't mind 
sitting over my desk in the dark." 

The director also said that the lights 
would be removed from Activity Rooms 
one, two, and three; the La Vie office; 
and the lounges. However, there will be 
tiny flashlights available at the Reception 
Desk for all those who have triple-starred 
ID cards so that these persons can read 
the bulletin boards. Miss Gehris continued 
by saying that to save power the speaker 
system in the dining halls will be turned 
down to full blast. At her request the col- 
lege dramatic organization, Wig and Buc- 
kle, has scheduled a special performance 
of Where Were You When the Lights 
Went Out? The group has also promised 
less powerful performances in the future. 

Miss Gehris also responded to those 
patrons of the Game Room who have 
complained when some of the lights have 
been turned off over the ping pong ta- 
bles. The director said she carefully 
weighed both sides of the situation as 
they were presented to her. Pennsylvania 
Power and Light (PP&L) has urged the 
institution to cut back on its power usage 
by half to meet its quotient. On the other 
hand, Game Room customers want equal 
lighting over the entire area with no dark 
spots to hinder their activities. In what 
she describes as an "equitable" solution, 
Gehris has ordered that the present 
room fixtures be replaced by strobe 
lights. As she sees it the problem will be 
in getting all the lights to blink in sync 
but this will pose no serious problems 
once the system gets going. 

Dining Hall appetizers will also be al- 
tered or dropped in the interests of con- 
serving energy and recycling waste ma- 
terials. Miss Gehris, together with George 
Landis of the Dining Hall staff, has 
come up with attractive names for the 
new courses based on names given the 
treats they will replace. For instance, 
this Tuesday the evening meal will con- 
sist of actual garbage rolls. These com- 
prise old Dining Hall favorites which the 
staff has brought up by popular demand. 
Wednesday will see the debut of an Ori- 
ental dish made famous in the Hong Kong 
Holiday Inn and marketed in the states 
by Howard Landis Inc. (no close rela- 
tion). It will be called fried lice. On 
Thursday the main attraction will be fri- 
gid chile sin came. There still remains an 
opening on fish Friday. The traditional 
tuna salad was originally scheduled but 
that had to be dropped since there is also 



a worldwide shortage of mercury. 

The Student Senate has also an- 
nounced in conjunction with the Board 
of Trustees the emplacement of perman- 
ent 24 hour intervisitation as an energy 
conservation measure. In a clarification 
of the new policy, Senate President Ju- 
dith Haines stated that past surveys 
showed that hours of intervisitation have 
traditionally coincided with periods of re- 



duced lighting in the dorms. The Chair- 
man of the Board joined with Miss Haines 
in applauding the concern of the student 
body for national problems. "I hope that 
students' efforts in the area of energy 
conservation continue into the future as 
they have done in the past." President 
Haines assured him that they would with 
the aid of concerned members of the 
Senate and Student Council. 



President's Dinner Canceled 



Those seniors scheduled to eat dinner 
with Dr. Frederick P. Sample in the 
President's Dining Room this week are 
hereby notified that their dinners have 
been postponed and will be rescheduled 
soon for a later date. 

The postponement is caused by the 
results of an unfortunate accident which 
befell Dr. Sample in his home last night. 
While attempting to retrieve two TV 
dinners from a horizontal deep freeze in 
the basement of his home, Dr. Sample 
fell down a flight of stairs, landing head 
first on the solid concrete floor of the 
basement. After a period of observation 
in the Emergency Unit at Good Samari- 
tan Hospital in Lebanon, Dr. Sample 
was released with what the hospital 
termed "superficial wounds". Unfortun- 
ately, while no other abnormal side ef- 
fects were noted, the President had in 
fact been inflicted with a mild case of 

Directive 
Issued 

Superintendent of Buildings and 
Grounds Samuel J. Zearfoss has issued 
the following memorandum, as translated 
by Dr. Tronsveld. 

"It would be greatly appreciated if 
residents on the upper floors of Silver, 
Green, and Vickroy dormitories would 
desist from using the refrigerated water 
dispensers for maintenance of personal 
hygiene. These dispensers are intended 
for use as oral satiation devices only, 
and while their mechanical design may 
encourage creative variations upon the 
primary intent of said dispensers, 
such variations are not only unsanitary 
and distasteful, but are also in violation 
of Township of Annville Ordinance no. 
696, as appended on March 23, 1926, 
which states 'No facility intended for use 
as an oral satiation device may under any 
circumstances be used for purposes other 
than those for which it was originally 
designed. Any offenders are subject to 
punishment by pillory under guidelines 
previously stated in the Annville Legal 
Statues of 1792.' 

"Compliance with this memorandum 



amnesia. While Dr. Sample is able to re- 
member names, dates, and those compli- 
cated regulations which serve to govern 
and bind together the LVC community, 
he has been unable to remember his 
script of "Questions for President's Din- 
ners". 

All senior dinners scheduled with Dr. 
Sample this week have therefore been 
postponed for an indefinite period of time 
while the President re-learns his script. 
As soon as his script is re-memorized, 
those displaced seniors will be noti- 
fied of re-scheduling. REMEMBER: 
FAILURE TO COMPLY WITH THE 
PRESIDENT'S GRACIOUS INVITA- 
TION TO DINNER WILL RESULT IN 
THE ADDITION OF THREE (3) CRE- 
DIT HOURS TO THE OFFENDING 
STUDENT'S GRADUATION RE- 
QUIREMENT. 



will also include the immediate removal 
of those two-foot wooden stools which 
have been discovered affixed to several 
of the aforementioned dispensers." 



saylor hall 

(Continued from Page 1, Col. 5) 

Asked his assessment of the cause of tf> e 
fire the chief replied, "rotten wood." He 
urged an immediate investigation of * 
building's contractor who, in his vvor & 
"knowingly and willfully used faulty a^ 
inadequate building materials when 
residence was constructed 100 Y 
ago." 

Chief Zearfoss said that in convey 
tions he had had with the head of f 
LVC maintenance department both 
ficials had independently reached ^ 
same conclusion. At press time n° ^ 
ministration officials were available 



comment on this new development 



It is not known at this tim e 



fire. 



plans there are for the site of th e ^ 
However, one member of the mus' c 
culty pointed out that there is x ° ot ^ 
the charred ruins for at least one p 



and stool. 



'f 



j^jiti Poon Collegienne, Monday, April 1, 1974 



Page Three 



T H E 



ANNUAL 



AAA 



L M POON 



ORTHODOX JEWISH 
TRIVIA QUIZ 



If you thought the La Vie Trivia Quiz 
waS tough, wait 'till you feast your eyes 
n this beauty. Yes, this is the second an- 
nual Orthodox Jewish Trivia Quiz, as 
humbly presented by Lam Poon Colle- 
gienne. 

You may ask, "What ever happened 
to last year's Orthodox Jewish Trivia 
Quiz " Of course everyone knows (or 
almost everyone) that no such collection 
f Talmudic tidbits appeared in last 
year's Lam Poon. But, nevertheless, such 
a collection of questions was, in fact, 
prepared for publication. That it did not 
see the light of day is the responsibility 
of a group of local religious leaders (of 
whom Dr. Ben-Ami wishes to remain 
anonymous) who declared it unprintable, 
using such vague comments as "disgust- 
ing", "ethnocentristic", "incredibly taste- 
less", and "crummy". Don't blame us for 
missing out on some snazzy fun. 

To make a short story long, this is the 
same quiz we were going to run last year. 
We took it to the board again, and were 
again turned down. But in typically Sen- 
ior and Orthodox Jewish fashion, we, the 
creators of Lam Poon Collegienne, in- 
formed the members of the board that 
we would be quite pleased if they ate 
some rancid lox. We're going to print it 
anyway!! 

Oh, yes, the rules. Well, you see, there 
aren't any. Likewise there aren't any an- 
swers to this particular quiz. The quiz 
was prepared by Lam Poon's resident 
Zionist, Bill Goldberg; he knows the an- 
swers, but won't tell anybody because he 
suspects that the campus is infested with 
Palestinean agents. We tried to torture the 
answers out of him last year by tying him 
to a stair in the Ad. building, starving him 
for sixteen hours, and then running a 
creamcheese-covered bagel under his nose. 
No luck, however. Anyway, back to the 
rules. Anybody who works on the staff 
of Lam Poon Collegienne is automatically 
eligible. In fact, only members of the Lam ' 
Poon staff are eligible. 

Prize money this year, as last year, is 
determined by adding to a kitty the total 
number of each individual staffer's Cha- 
pel overcuts translated into dollars, one 
dollar per cut. Naturally, this figure is 
kept secret. The winner of the quiz would 
normally be the one who answers the 
most questions correctly ; but since Gold- 
berg won't tell us the answers, anyone 
w ho enters is thrown into a tie for first 
Place. The tie will be broken by assem- 
bl ing the entrants on the Mund College 



Center parking lot, arming each with a 
broken Pepsi bottle, and letting them 
"have at it", as it were. Last year's win- 
ner was Lam Poon head honcho Jim 

Katzaman (honorary deceased), who sur- 
vived the battle by hiding under a VW 
Microbus while the rest of the entrants 
eliminated themselves. He used the mon- 
ey from the kitty to purchase a new 
shotgun and two shells to go with it. The 
shotgun was recently reported missing. 

Hopefully, we won't have to resort to 
such drastic measures this year (at the 
time of this writing, several staffers had 
Goldberg tied by a series of leather belts 
to his dormitory bed and were applying 
Mogen David intravenously in an attempt 
to "ply" the answers out of him). 

May your futile attempts be blessed by 
YHWH himself. 

1) Give the location and name of the 
city where the Battle of Armageddon is 
supposed to take place. 

2) When is Deseocho? 

3) Give the month and year a fully 
outfitted Greek soldier told a tourist he 
was waiting to celebrate the birth of the 
Queen's child. 

4) How many electrical outlets are 
"there in the La Vie room? 

5) Give the name of the Green Horn- 
et's theme song. 

6) Give the length of time for Cho- 
pin's One Minute Waltz. 

7) What is the name of the island 
where Norwegian Air Force men spotted 
the wreckage of a flying saucer in 1954? 

8) Give the first name of the moun- 
tain boy in the September 14, 1973 epi- 
sode of Room 222. 

9) Give the name of Sigmund Freud's 
prosthetic. 

10) Who is the guitar player featured 
on the record Jazz Guitar Bachl 

1 1) Name of the fraternity formed on 
December 16, 1925. 

12) What was the single most impor- 
tant development for the rise of the Age- 
of-Chivalryl 

13) Who is the author of The Cultural 
History of the Modern Agel 

14) Give the name of the civil servant 
who insulted an Arab in his native 
tongue and got invited to have coffee 
with him. 

15) He's the only inmate of Spandau 
Prison. 

16) Name Egon Friedell's first dog. 

17) What was the name of the re- 



search paper Mr. Woods received con- 
cerning UFO's? 

18) Who was the student who played 
"Fulton "? 

19) Give the name of the company 
which put out the rifle predominantly 
used by U.S. troops in the Spanish- 
American War. 

20) What was "Beau" Geste's real 
name? 

21) Number 20's uncle's favorite 
pasttime. 

22) What book was made famous by 
Ouidal 

23) Give the name of Louis Victor's 
horse before he assumed the name Louis 
Victor. 

24) Give the book and the name of 
the author who predicted that Florida and 
Texas would be key bases for, and that 
the Pacific Ocean would serve as a splash- 
down point for a moonshot. 

25) Translate "Gospel" (three ways). 

26) Name the man for whom the Ted- 
dy Bear was named. 



27) How many Black regiments 
charged up San Juan Hill? 

28) Who was the Dutch painter com- 
mitted to a French insane assylum? 

29) How many rocket nozzles are 
there on the Apollo Service Module? 

30) Give the name of an egg-laying 
mammal. 

31) Give the number of interchange- 
able letters on the Smith-Corona Super 
Sterling typewriter. 

32) Give the international flag code 
for "I". 

33) What is the Indian art of making 
curves from straight lines? 

34) Give the name of the wife of the 
man considered to be the Nathan Hale of 
Israel. 

35) Where is the most probable buri- 
al place of Amelia Earhart? 

36) Give the other name for the 
Iroquis Wheel of Life. 

37) Give the location of "House of 
G-d" (Translation). 

38) Name the people who occupied 



the caves below Mitsada. 

39) What was the name of Amelia 
Earhart's plane? 

40) Name the ship sunk in the attack 
on Pearl Harbor but technically still 
manned. 

41) What type of engines were in 
Amelia Earhart's plane when she dis- 
appeared? 

42) Name Forest King's groom. 

43) Name the girls who loved Louis 
Victor. 

44) Name the Electra's copilot. 

45) Give another name for vitamin C. 

46) Give the name and structure of 
the molecular structure of cellulose. 

47) What was the Enola Gay? 

48) Give the name of a ski named for 
a mountain in Europe. 

49) What was Cyrus the Great's home 
city? 

50) Give Charles Steinmetz's middle 
name. 



Agnew Named Finance Chairman 



BEN NEIDEIGH SEZ, 




Board of Trustees President Lawton 
W. Shroyer announced today that the 
Board has unanimously elected former 
U.S. Vice President Spiro T. Agnew to a 
position as "trustee at large" and also 
named Agnew Chairman of the Board 
Finance Committee. Agnew replaces for- 
mer trustee F. Allen Rutherford, who 
was ousted by an emergency referendum 
on March 19, following his indictment 
in Lebanon County Court March 18 on 
two counts of Tax Fraud. Rutherford 
also faced possible excommunication from 
the United Methodist Church stemming 
from a recent church investigation into 
possible acts of Heresy commited by 
Rutherford during his public statement 
concerning the Tax Fraud indictment. 

Shroyer stated that Agnew was elect- 
ed because, "he possesses leadership abil- 
ity, executive experience, and access to 
possible sources of substantial financial 
contributions." When asked to comment 
on the rationale behind electing a con- 
victed felon to the Board, Shroyer's com- 
ment was, "Why don't you kids go jump 
in a cesspool?" The seeming contradic- 
tion stemming from Rutherford's ouster 
for charges similar to those which cost 



Agnew his Vice Presidency and Agnew's 
subsequent election to the Board was 
clarified by President Frederick P. Sam- 
ple. Dr. Sample noted that "everyone de- 
serves a second chance" and added that 
"after all, Agnew didn't plead 'guilty', 
and that's good enough for -me." When 
this reporter noted that some of Agnew's 
friends could clear up a quite sticky fin- 
ancial problem at the college, namely the 
$500,000 deficit which stood in the way 
of the granting of the Kresge Challange 
contribution by the aforementioned 
foundation, Dr. Sample's reaction was a 
wan smile and the addition of 24 credit 
hours to this reporter's graduation re- 
quirements. 

Once installed, Agnew immediately 
announced the receipt of a contribution 
of $4.3 million from an anonymous 
West Coast philanthropist who was de- 
signated for defrayal of expenses sur- 
rounding the construction and outfitting 
of the new LVC music facility. In a joint 
news conference with Fund for Fulfill- 
ment czar Robert Wonderling, Agnew in- 
dicated that the contributor was a "long- 
time associate with a deep love of music." 
Agnew added, "If we're lucky, Jerry Pe- 




Finance Chairman Spiro T. Agnew 



trofes will have a pretty well-known as- 
sistant golf coach in the near future." 
When asked how the extra money col- 
lected before receipt of the West Coast 
contribution would be used, Mr. Won- 
derling noted, "several farmers were vis- 
ited recently by two of Mr. Agnew's as- 
sociates, Jocko Mozarella and Leo 'The 
Hook' Capellini. After brief discussions, 

(Continued on Page 6, Col. 4) 



(Term Paper Distribution 



Students: Cryin' those "Term Paper Blues" again? 

LET 1.tM. DRY 

THOSE TEARS!! 



Before I heard about 
T.P.D.S., all of my time was 
taken up by boring and useless 
term paper writing. But, once 
I learned about the T.P.D.S. 
program, I became a liberated - 
student. Instantly I had hours 
upon hours of free time in 
which to do those things to 
which all college students are 
entided: sleeping, drinking, 
sexual activity, frisbee tossing, 
and watching Star Trek. 

T.P.D.S. has on file literally 
thousands of term papers col- 

C. Y. Ehrhart adds, 




Another satisfied customer relaxes 
while T.P.D.S. does the rest!! 
Don't forget to ask about our new line of custom cribbing appliances 



•I wish we'd had T.P.D.S. 
back in the old davs!" 



lected from unemployed col- 
lege graduates from all corners 
of the earth. For a mere $35 
deposit and your promise of 
forewarding any original term 
papers you might have writ- 
ten to T.P.D.S. upon gradua- 
tion you are entitled to any 
term paper you may order in 
any subject from aardvark tam- 
ing to xylophone mastery. 

For your free T.P.D.S. 
brochure write: 

TP.D.S., 
111A Race St- 
Oxnard, California 



Youll be glad you did J 




Page Four 



Lam Poon Collegienne, Monday, April 1 ; 




Famous movie actress Amelia "Bubbles" LaToosh models the 
Slick H 101c , seen here in retracted configuration. 



Girls: Still Waiting For 
"M r. Right?" 

Spray on Sensuous Skin with the all new 1974 



S 
L 

C 
K 



Heated Aerosol Lotion Applicator 



Are you a dolly whose love life is a folly? Slick Industries 
can't promise you the man of your dreams, but we can pro- 
mise you happier hunting with our new H101c DeLuxe 
Heated Aerosol Lotion Applicator! 

The H 101c features a generous fluid reservoir which will 
accept any liquid or near-liquid you may wish to use, and 
comes equipped with our recently-patented "Flame of 
Love" liquid warming unit, which slowly and soothingly 
raises fluid temperature to ecstatically stratospheric lev- 
els. Why bother with time-consuming, tedious 
seductive activity when your skin can do your 
seducing for you thanks to the sensational H101c! Let 
H101c take the work out of being womanly! 

But don't take our word for it. Here is one of the many 
letters of testimonial we have received from recent own- 
ers: 

"Before the HlOlc my life was dull, 
fust one boring party after another. 
Now. I let the old man go to his par- 
ties while I stay at home and enjoy! 

Mrs. J. Onassis, 
Skorpios, Greece. 



Remember, gals, that's the Slick H101c, the little machine 
that makes those "five seconds of heaven" last a lifetime! 



THE SLICK H101c! 
ONLY $112.89! 

Put a Grin on Your Chin this April! 4 

jjj 

Send Your Returns to s£ 



S 

L 
I 

C 
K 




H.&R. Black 



iff 



Lam Poon Intercepts Shay Memorandum 



' Tax Evasion Specialists Since 1932! jjj 



Lam Poon was fortunate enough to 
intercept a critical memorandum from 
Dr. Ralph S. Shay, slated to be delivered 
to faculty members in the near future. 
As an exclusive Lam Poon public service, 
the contents of this hallmark epistle are 
reprinted below. 

From: Dr. Ralph S. Shay, Asst. Dean 

of the College and Registrar 
To: All faculty members (this in- 
cludes both full and part-time 
teaching personnel) 
Subject: Revision of toilet (bathroom) 
privileges and procedures to take 
effect immediately upon receipt 
of this memorandum 
"This memorandum is required read- 
ing for all (full AND part-time) teaching 
personnel. Many questions directed to 
the already overworked staff of this of- 
fice in the past could have been avoided 
had the parties directing the inquiries 
read their memoranda in full before both- 
ering me. Please read this memorandum 
in full (all of it) before making any in- 
quiry as to privilege and procedure revi- 
sion, the whole of which is explained 
herein. 

It has come to the attention of this of- 
fice that the use of toilet facilities by fa- 
culty in the past has not been sufficiently 
regulated to guarantee the maximum pos- 
sible degree of comfort for the parties in- 
volved (i.e. both full AND part-time 
teaching personnel), nor has the efficien- 
cy of the said conveniences been max- 
imized (i.e. made as big as possible). 
Therefore, this office - in cooperation 
with the administration and other noted 
authorities on this subject - has formu- 
lated a completely revised faculty toilet 
use and procedures program. 

Each faculty member will be assigned 
a "departmental facility", that is, a toilet 
which he may think of as his own and for 
which (it is hoped) he will hold a great 
deal of respect. Although these facilities 
will be assigned on a departmental basis, 
it may not be assumed that the facility 
nearest the departmental instruction area 

will be the one to which that department 
will be assigned. For example, suppose 
professor A is in Education. One would 
be led to assume that his very own facil- 
ity would be in the Administration Build- 
ing. Not so, however. Education faculty 
have been assigned toilets in the Chem- 
istry Building, with the hope that their 
increased walking distance to take ad- 
vantage of their very own stalls will en- 
gender a greater appreciation on their 
part for the importance of the functions 
performed when they arrive. The full list- 
ing of toilet assignments will be circulated 
as soon as this memorandum has been di- 
gested by all (both full AND part-time) 
faculty members. 

This office has worked long and hard 
on the assignments, attempting to create 
a greater rapport between faculty and 
students. Such measures as assigning 
Chemistry and Biology teachers to areas 
customarily utilized by students alone 
(in this case the fourth floor toilets in 
East Funkhouser), were arrived at not in 
a spirit of bureaucracy, but rather with an 
eye toward unifying the campus com- 
munity. Imagine the intimacy of discus- 
sing yesterday's chem lecture with a prof 
seated in the next stall. Surely the yel- 
low metal partition will not hinder a 
true feeling of kinship in such a setting. 

It must be assumed, however, that 
some of our faculty might attempt to 
utilize another department's very own 
facility in the case of inclement (BAD) 
weather or diarrhea, both of which are 
common in Annville. Toward averting 
such confrontations and difficulties (for 
example, the Chemistry Department be- 
ing billed for liquid soap actually utilized 
by an untrustworthy Religion prof.), 
this office will use color-coded cards 
which will serve to identify the facility 
to which the bearer has been assigned. 
Should he be caught in an area not as- 
signed to him, he will lose his toilet pri- 
vileges for one week, necessitating either 
off-campus defecation or an unflattering 
aroma about his person. Upon a second 



conviction, the faculty member (either 
full OR part-time) will be assigned per- 
manent privileges ONLY, repeat ONLY 
in the sani-pot at the construction site of 
the music building. We hope such drastic 
measures will prove unnecessary. 

In addition, each party will be enti- 
tled to only a specified number of toilet 
times per academic day, although excep- 
tions will be granted in the event the pro- 
fessor in question (either full OR part- 
time), can prove nocturnal necessity, as 
in the case of night classes. Should the 
faculty member attempt to violate his as- 
signed number of tidy-times, the sani-pot 
will be his lot. Should illness (especially 
diarrhea) necessitate more than the usual 
number of tidy-times permitted, any 
faculty member (either full OR part-time) 
may petition this office for tempor- 
ary permission to exceed his normal 
number of visits. Only a note from the 
profs mother or confirmation from the 
infirmary that necessity exists will be 
acceptable for this very special privilege. 

It should be noted here that one de- 
partment's being assigned more tidy- 
times than another does not, repeat does 
not reflect in any dimension an opinion 
on the part of this office or any other 
bureaucratic entity of this institution 



that one department is necessarily f U || 
of fecal material than another. Tho^' 
disciplines with substitute excretory ave 
uses such as extended lectures must h 
necessity be weighted differently f ro V 
those utilizing other instructional met}! 1 
ods. For example, the administrati 
personnel (including personnel of this of 
fice) have been assigned only two tidy 
times per person per week, the though 
being that their normal functions serve t 
relieve or rechannel most material usuall 
disposed of in the more conveni ent 
fashion. 

Finally, to achieve maximum int er 
campus communication and to help ali e 
viate the paper shortage, a startling i nno . 
vation has been introduced to act as an 
incentive for all (both full AND part . 
time) our faculty family. Each little sheet 
of tidy paper will bear a one-half i nc h 
wide blue strip across the top and will be 
printed with pertinent news for the week 
Hence, tidy-times will not only bephysj. 
cally rewarding, but will also serve to 
keep the faculty up to date on important 
happenings here in the college (LVC) 
community. The decision of whether or 
not to print a prayer for the day on each 
sheet will be left up to the discretion of 
individual departments." 



This Week on TV 



Monday P.M. 

8:00 NBC- The Magician; Tony Blake 
(Bill Bixby) is hired by President Nixon 
as a Special Adviser. His task: to make 
Leon Jaworski, Judge John Sirica, and 
72 minutes of recorded matter disappear. 
Ziegler: Jackie Vernon; Kissinger: Wer- 
ner Klemperer; Nixon: David Frye. 

10:00 CBS-Medical Center; Gannon 
(Chad Everett) accidently becomes the 
head of a new religion when he brings a 
dead patient back to life. Dr. Christian: 
Oral Roberts; undertaker: Arnold Stang. 
Tuesday A.M. 

10:30 NBC-Jeopardy; Dr. Stanislaus 
Crowzwenoskowicz of Bayonne, N.J. 
sets an all-time Jeopardy record by fin- 
ishing with a total of -$1208. 
Tuesday P.M. 

6:00 Ch. 48-Star Trek; Scotty is 
wrongly committed to a mental institu- 
tion on Rigel IV after sexually assaulting 
'Left Impulse Vent 3 while under the in- 
fluence of an alien being which brings 
each individual's greatest desires to the 
surface. Scotty: James Doohan; Spock: 
Leonard Nimoy. 

8:00 ABC-Happy Days; Fonzie saves 
the day at the local burger stand by 
wringing out his hair when the French 
frying machine falls over, spilling two gal- 
lons of liquified lard. Fonzie: Henry 
Winkler; Richie: Ron Howard. 
Wednesday P.M. 

9:00 CBS-Cannon; Cannon is pried 
out of his Mark IV by local emergency 
workers after over-eating at a client's 
house. Cannon: William Conrad; metal 
cutter: Broderick Crawford. 

11:30 NBC-Tonight; Johnny Carson 
as the Great Carnac, forgets the prune 
joke at the end of his routine. Guests: 
Archibald Cox, The DeFranco Family, 
Ronnie Graham, and the Marquis Chimps 
who perform impersonations of the Su- 
preme Court. 
Thursday A.M. 

8:00 CBS-Captain Kangaroo; the 
Captain becomes very angry when Mr. 
Green Jeans fills his coat pockets with 
cow chips. Buffalo Bob Smith guests as 
the arresting officer. 

8:00 CBS- The Waltons; John-Boy 
is mistakenly recruited by the UCLA 
basketball team; Grandma notices the 
ankles of her stockings inflating while 
suffering from gastric distress. John-Boy: 
Richard Thomas; Grandma: Ellen Corby; 
Coach Wooden: George Burns. 

11:30 ABC -The Dick Cavett Show; 
Dick Cavett is Dick's only guest. The 
Bobby Rosengarden Orchestra. 

Friday P.M. 

8:00 NBC-Sanford and Son; Fred 



finally dies of a heart attack. Fred: Redd 
Foxx; Lamont: Demond Wilson; Under- 
taker: Meadowlark Lemon; Preacher 
Smith: Nipsy Russell. 

8:30 Ch. 15- Valley Viewpoint; In. 
Thorgen Von Tronsveld translates in- 
structions on bottles of Drano and Jan- 
itor In A Drum into Maintenese. 

11:30 ABC- In Concert; an all-Bub- 
blegum show with The DeFranco Fam- 
ily, Terry Jacks, The Carpenters, 1910 
Fruitgum Co., and a reunion appearance 
by The Royal Guardsmen. Host: Donny 
Osmond. 




TV Highlight: Ed Rice as interviewed by 
Howard Cosell on ABC's Wide World 
of Sports. 



Saturday P.M. 

5:00 ABC- Wide World of Spot* 
1st Annual USAC Invitational Tractor- 
nationals from Omaha, Neb., the 

from 
an 



Jim 

the 



Roy, and Al Auto Thrill Show 
Islip, L.I., and Howard Cosell injj 
exclusive interview with Muhammad 
next opponent, Ed "Mr. Numbers 
Keith Jackson, Jackie Stewart, 
McKay. 

9:00 NBC-Saturday Night at 
Movies; John Wayne and Kirk Doug 
star in an adapted-for-TV version ot 
off-Broadway play The Boys in TheW 
Emory: Steve McQueen. 
Sunday P.M. a- 

2:00 T\S-WFL Game Of The 
The Central Pennsylvania Krautshre ^ 
vs. The Chicago Fire live ftotn 
Arnolddome in Annville. Comments 
Harry Kalas, Bob Keller. 



i^m Poon Collegienne, Monday, April 1, 1974 



Page Five 



Bemesderfer Announces Chapel Programs 



He, 



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LVC Chaplain James O. Bemesderfer 
j,as issued to Z,am Poon Collegienne a 
tenative listing of Chapel-Convocation 
attractions for the coming fall/winter 



ocelots is expected to perform pattern 
drills to the strains of Guiseppi Lin- 
guini's "March of the Mad Duke's Circus" 
and leap through hoops of flaming cog- 



jester. Included with this listing is the nac to the background of "Delerium 
reminder that effective next semester, Tremenae" and other excerpts from the 
Chapel will be held on Tuesdays instead opera El Tio Borracho by the world- 
f Wednesdays. Dr. Bemesderfer explains 
fj, a t the change of date was the result of 
an oversight on the part of his secretary, 
w ho had forgotten that each week con- 
sists of seven days and had thus acci- 
dentally omitted Wednesdays from her 
calendar. Here are excerpts from the list. 

The opening Chapel service on Sep- 
tember 10 will feature the traditional 
opening address by Dean of the College 
Carl Y. Ehrhart. Upperclassmen are ex- 
empted from this service, having heard 
the opening message three times pre- 
viously. Emergency doses of No-Doz will 
be administered upon request by Nurse 
Margie Yeiser. Expected during the course 
of Dean Ehrhart's address is the an- 
nouncement of resumption of atten- 
dance monitoring. The new monitoring 
system is expected to be based on 
fingerprints rather than signatured at- 
tendance slips; students with overcuts 
will have the numerals "666" tatooed to 
their foreheads and will be forced to 
make up fifteen semester hours for 
every overcut. The new "hard line" 

policy on Chapel attendance is the brain- Fabian Yablonowicz, Ocelot Trainer 
child of recently-elected trustee Spiro (1947 photo) 
Agnew, who feels that such a policy will 

"Keep those impudent young snobs in ' 

their place." 

September 24 will feature the re- 
markable Fabian Yablonowicz and His 
Dancing Ocelots. Mr. Yablonowicz is 
renowned throughout Europe for his 
animal training feats with Felis domesti- 
cus; 1974 marks his first attempt at 
training animals other than ordinary 
house cats, however. A team of six 




renowned Mexican composer Manuelo 
Tacoburrito. Students and faculty in 
attendance will be provided with pro- 
tective padding to minimize the danger 
of attack by the admittedly unpredic- 
table ocelots. An admission fee of $1.50 
will be charged for this program; pro- 
ceeds will be used to enable Mr. Yablon- 
owicz to purchase three artificial fin- 



Lam Poon Collegienne 

Maintenese Cossword Pruzzle 



No. 1327X 



ACROSS 



1. Axolotl 

4. Opposite of "Cally" 
8.Tronsveld's Wife's 
maiden name 

12. Viscous 

13. Sky 

14. Korotkee 

15. Throw rug 

16. Squamish Star Yuri 
20. Starting Phillies Guard 

22. Pentateuch 

23. Solomon's 283 Wife 
27. Gen. Lee's Horse's 
mother 

32. Duck 

33. Mandrake Root Beverage 

34. Form of the verb "to 
froop" 

35. Druid Temple 

37. Frodo 

38. The Great Defecator 

40. Lynx residue 

41. W.F.L. Player of Year 
47. Mons Veneris 
51. Antonym for "word" 

54. IMostrillinguist Marshall 

55. medicinal paste 
57. Nasal application 



DOWN 

1. Schwantz 

2. Opposite of septic tank 

3. Incongruent digit 
5. Uncle of Clem 

7. Suppository 

8. Predecessor of Polytheism 

10. Bicameral 

1 1 . Theatric codpiece 
19. flounder 
22. flamingo feathers 
29. Oxcart bearing 
54. Kryptonite cure 
59. Opp. of "doormouse" 
62. Kennel Club 
65. sorority device. 

Solution to last Pruzzle 



If 

01 4I 



— u XT 
(O (0 Q. 



£ K £ < I S 

■ ci r»' ci co oo 
to n in co to S 




1 


2 


3 1 


12 






15 






11 







gers for his left hand, which was muti- 
lated by a hungry ocelot during the 
February meat shortages. Mr. Yablo- 
nowicz may be seen on television on 
Tuesday, April 23, as he attempts to 
stump the panel on What's My Line. 

Another animal act will be featured 
on October 1, when Delta Tau Chi 
sponsors an appearance by the famed 
Royal Lippizan Stallions. All seating 
will be restricted to the chapel balcony 
and a series of scaffolds to be erected 
along the walls of the nave. Students 
allergic to hay are advised to avoid this 
presentation. 

October 15 marks the first Balmer 
Showers Lecture of the 1974-75 school- 
term. Featured will be Dr. Yuri Bjorns- 
phloem, who will lecture on the topic, 
"Pseudo-Talmudic Sacrificial Rites of 
Soviet Eskimos." A native of Finland, 
Dr. Bjornsphloem comes to L.V.C. as 
part of the United Methodist Church 
Ecclesiastical Exchange Program; during 
his week on the L.V.C. campus, Chaplain 
Bemesderfer will serve as Lecturer and 
Spiritual Adviser at Dr. Bjornsphloem's 
home institution, the Grand Helsinki 
University of the New Testament. Ac- 
companying Dr. Bemesderfer will be 
Maintenance Department interpreter Dr. 
Thorgen Von Tronsveld, who is expected 
to serve as translator for Bemesderfer, 
thus enabling such English abstractions 
as "uh," "er," and "hrrumph" to be 
transmitted in Finnish. 

November 12 features the third an- 
nual return performance of The Howard 
Hanger Trio. The Trio is expected to 
present excerpts from their recently fin- 
ished rock opera, Jesus Christ: Superstud, 
a contemporary New Testament inter- 
pretation which postulates the verifica- 
tion of the masses of world Christendom 
as the literal Sons of God by depicting 
extra-connubial relations between The 
Savior and Mary Magdalene and tracing 
the lineage of the Family of the Fish into 
the modern family of Paolo Sextus, 
noted Italian religious leader. 

November 26th's Chapel Program will 
feature the Concert Choir of the New 
Rochelle School of the Mute. By using 
apparati perfected by the Bell Telephone 
Corporation, the School of the Mute 
Concert Choir presents a form of vocal 
music likened to the mating call of the 
17-year Cicada. Highlighted will be their 
interpretation of the "Hallelujah Chorus" 
from the relatively obscure Old Testa- 
ment Musical, Hello, YHWH. 

The December 10 program will be 
highlighted by a message delivered by 
the Mata Ji, mother of Satguru Maha- 
raj Ji. Her message, presented in con- 
junction with National Religious Toler- 
ance Week, will deal with the topic, "The 
Perfection of My Son the Guru and It's 
Effects on the Sale and Consumption of 
Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream." After the 
program, Mata Ji will sell autographed 
photos of her son in the chapel narthex. 
Accompanying her will be former poli- 
tical activist and honorary mental vege- 
table Rennie Davis. 

The semester's final Chapel program, 
scheduled for December 17, will feature 
naturalist and natural-food afficionado 
Euell Gibbons. Mr. Gibbons will present 
dramatic readings from his latest book, 
Roughing It In Central Pennsylvania On 
Three Cowchips A Day. Gibbons notes 
that recent recycling of chicken excre- 
ment for use as high-protein hog feed 
has validated his theory that virtually all 
mammalian effluvia is edible when com- 
bined with available natural flavoring 
elements. Gibbons, in a telephone con- 
versation with Dr. Bemesderfer, noted 
that cowchips when mixed with mod- 



FIREROCS 



(tm.) 




Four satisfied Firerock(TM) customers. 

Introducing the all-new "Firerock" steelbelted 
40,000 night radial bra. 



p 



Yes, the "fuller than average 
figure" can now enjoy unpreced- 
ented comfort and security in Fire- 
rock's latest support creation. 
Available in sizes 37c to 57dd, 
and in a range of flattering colors. 
Optional timelock pick-proof snaps 
at additional cost. From $39.50. 



ft 



IIIIIMI 



IIIIIIHIIIIIBIllllHlHlHIil 



erate amounts of Post Grape Nuts, "re- 
minded me of the flavor of wild hickory 
nuts." As part of his lecture, Gibbons will 
demonstrate survival techniques available 
to college students as an alternative to 
institutional food. Among the items Gib- 
bons plans to ingest are Arabol 
paste, four Parker Bros. Flair felt pens, a 
Sylvania Blue-Dot frosted incandescent 
flash bulb, Good Samaritan ointment, 
and, as a grand finale, the first three 
rows of pews in the Chapel nave. Those 
planning to attend this service are ad- 
vised to wear synthetic-fiber clothing and 
refrain from carrying any wooden objects 
or books on their person. 

A complete listing of next semester's 
Chapel-Convocation schedule is being 
prepared for posting on the College 
Center main bulletin board. The complete 
listing will be available as soon as Dr. 
Bemesderfer has completed his current 
refresher course in Pennsylvania German- 
to-English translation. 



Harnish 
Satisfactory 

Mr. Robert Harnish was reported to 
be in satisfactory condition today in the 
Good Samaritan Hospital after collapsing 
yesterday in the Mund College Center 
Bookstore. 

Investigators reported that Mr. Harn- 
ish was found by College Center Director 
Marcia Gehris as the latter was making a 
Sunday inspection of her center. Mr. 
Harnish apparently went down to the 



APO Holds 
Sprint 

The Brothers of Alpha Phi Omega 
service fraternity will sponsor a Streak 
for the Sufferers of Eczema. All inter- 
ested Valley students are requested to 
report to the East Funkhouser Parking 
Lot at 12:00 A.M. April 6. An entrance 
fee of $2.00 will be collected from all 
participants. This fee and proceeds col- 
lected from well-wishers along the pro- 
jected streak route (which follows Route 
422 to Lebanon and terminates in the 
parking lot of the Lebanon Treadway 
Inn) will be donated to the Franciscan 
Order Eczema Crusade in hopes that 
unsightly scales will soon be eradicated 
from the list of disfiguring human af- 
flictions. 

A.P.O. projects future charity streaks 
for Psoriasis, Leprosy, Acne, and Gutta 
Rosacea. For each streak, participants 
will be provided with food, coffee, and 
tempera paint for use in writing chari- 
table slogans upon their person. 



Bookstore at 2:00 P.M. in order to make 
a sizable number of price markups for 
the next day's opening. He was found 
with a price stamp clutched in his hands 
which took the Annville Fire Depart- 
ment half an hour to pry open. 

President Sample, in his official ex- 
planation of the incident, stated that 
Mr. Harnish placed too much stress upon 
himself by trying to make all those price 
markups at one time. 




Page Six 



Lam Poon Collegienne, Monday, April 1, 19^ 



Tronsveld Publishes Thesis 



Dr. Thorgen Von Tronsveld, recently 
appointed translator for the LVC Main- 
tenance Department, has announced the 
publication in book form of his doctoral 
dissertation Plumbers From Outer Space 
in which he posits the possibility of a 
visit to Earth eons ago by a highly ad- 
vanced, benevolent race of extra-galactic 
sanitary engineers. 

From their central Earth base at 
Flushing Meadow, this incredible race 
spread their vast knowledge of sewage 
disposal systems throughout the north- 
east, especially in and around the area 
now known as Harrisburg. Dr. Tronsveld 
cites remains found in the ruins of Engle 
Hall in his book, notable among them 
a quantity of pipe fittings which are not 
standardized to either the metric or 
English systems of measurement. Appar- 
ently, according to Tronsveld, these fit- 
tings were either manufactured on the 
home planet of the plumbers, or else 
were cast on Earth utilizing an alien 
system of pipe sizes. Oddly enough, the 
fittings located thus far do not bear the 
mark of a wrench upon them. Tronsveld 
asserts that these master plumbers ac- 
tually fitted the units into place using 
their bare hands, a feat hardly con- 
ceived possible by modern Earth stand- 
ards. 

Tronsveld further asserts that this 
master race instructed local Earthlings 
in their advanced techniques and then 
returned to their own planet, trusting 
in the wisdom of their pupils to carry 
on the task of sanitary engineering here 
in Pennsylvania. Tronsveld has located 
installations in relatively new structures 
on the LVC campus which attest to the 
fact that these teachings are still an in- 
herent part of the subconscious mentality 
of many sanitary engineers in the im- 
mediate area. For example, the ingen- 
iously contrived pipe system for the gar- 
bage disposal in the dining hall stands 
as mute testimony to an intelligence 
unknown in any other region of the 

smith 

(Continued from Page 1, Col. 3) 

for Smith and acted as Smith's repre- 
sentative along with Perizous at the Le- 
banon County Courthouse in proceedings 
held on Thursday, March 28. At that 
time Perizous entered a plea of "no con- 
test" on behalf of Smith. In exchange 
for the plea Smith was granted three 
years of unsupervised probation and ex- 
emption from possible prison confine- 
ment (for the assault charges) on the 
condition that he relinguish his duties at 
the Mund College Center for a period 
equaling the probation time and remain 
at Philhaven Hospital for at least eight 
months. Lawyer Perizous commented, 
"The judge felt that best interests would 
be served if Smith were removed from 
the presence of easily influenced college 
students with as little disturbance to the 
functioning of the college as possible. 
After all, nobody would want this thing 
to drag out over several semesters while a 
potential maniac remained at his duties. 
President Sample will announce the of- 
ficial statement of suspension on Mon- 
day." 

In addition to the probation period 
and mandatory hospital confinement, 
Smith was ordered to pay restitution to 
Chief Heisey, Dean Marquette, and the 
owner of the DeSoto, who has yet to 
come forward and claim ownership of 
said automobile. A representative of 
Keath Chrysler-Plymouth, Inc. of Leba- 
non appraised the damage to the interior 
of the DeSoto at $175, and noted that 
the market value of the DeSoto is $34.98. 

Lam Poon Collegienne attempted to 
get a personal interview with the ousted 
College Center director at Philhaven Hos- 
pital, but was turned down by officials of 
the hospital, who indicated that Smith 
was "still incoherent" and "liable to 



Earth. Apparently constructed along ex- 
tra-terrestrial lines, this system uses an 
amazing declining pipe diameter mech- 
anism to flush away solid food waste. 
Most other sanitary engineers would 
posit the impossibility of such a design, 
yet it does exist. At least twice a month, 
a telltale odor leaking from the kitchens 
into the halls of the College Center 
reminds the entire campus community 
of the presence of this unusual artifact 
from the far distant past. Tronsveld fur- 
ther cites the ingenious plumbing systems 
in both Mary Green and Vickroy resi- 
dence halls. Could these conceivably be 
the result of mere Earth-bound technol- 
ogy? Certainly not, if Tronsveld's theory 
is to be taken seriously. Modern man 
cannot begin to comprehend the tech- 
niques of these masters from another 
world. Anyone who has observed the 
uphill sewage lines in the basement of 
Funkhouser Hall must stand in awe of a 
race which dared to defy gravity itself in 
the design of sanitary facilities. Before 
their achievements, ours literally pale 
into insignificance. 

As a token of Lebanon Valley Col- 
lege's pride at having one of her own 
stand forth as a luminary in the world 
of sewage disposal, Dr. Tronsveld will 
be honored by having a bust of himself 
placed alongside boiler number two in 
the college's central steam generating 
plant. Tronsveld's humility at declining a 
place of greater honor for the bust (in 
the handicapped stall in the basement 
restroom of the College Center) amazed 
the entire membership of the 'Faculty 
Committee for More Auspicious Use of 
Sanitary facilities', most of whom 
strongly asserted that Tronsveld did him- 
self a grave dishonor by electing the less 
prestigious position for the bust. Dr. 
Tronsveld countered this position by 
arguing that the sole criterion as to the 
majesty of a given bust is the size, 
positioning is virtually irrelevant. 



staple anything that moves". When asked 
to comment on Smith's unfortunate de- 
mentia, an unnamed psychiatrist attrib- 
uted the abberations to "the inherent 
pressures of managing the ever-increas- 
ing Mund Center Bureaucracy" and noted 
the recent implimentation of Snack Bar 
order blanks and long-rumored Student 
Restroom Passes, as well as recent prob- 
lems with student mailbox combinations, 
as signs of "impending mental disaster." 

College Center Director-Designate 
Marcia Gehris, who secretly assumed con- 
trol of the center on March 29 under the 
ruse that Smith was "suffering from food 
poisoning," stated, when asked to com- 
ment, "May God rid Mr. Smith of the 
Demon in his Soul and make him a de- 
cent human being once again." Miss 
Gehris then repeated the prayer from the 
Blue-Top sheet for the week of March 24 
in a low voice and returned to her office. 
She was visibly shaken by the rapidity of 
the past week's events and wished some 
time alone to contemplate. 

A vote of confirmation of Miss Gehris's 
Directorship will be taken by the Board 
of Trustees on April 5 . 

Immediately after receiving the noti- 
fication of the dismissal of Mund Center 
Director Walter L. Smith, Lam Poon Col- 
legienne was issued a companion state- 
ment by Mrs. Esther A. Kline of the Stu- 
dentPersonnel Office. The statement was 
prepared by Associate Dean of Students, 
Mary Anne Fritz. 

In the statement, Dean Fritz categor- 
ically denied the validity of rumors cur- 
rently circulating on campus concerning 
what she termed "alleged blissful consor- 
tium" between her and the ousted Col- 
lege Center Director. She termed any such 
rumors "damnable lies" and added, "Why 
would a refined, respectable lady such as 
myself wish to be in any way associated 
with a sicko like Walt Smith?" 

In an attached sheet, Dean Fritz of- 




Sample Falls 
Asleep at 

Lectern 

Sophomore music major Polly 
breast became anxious about her room 
mate at 10:00 P.M. Thursday, March 
14th, when the freshman elementary 
education student did not return for th e 
evening prayer circle. Upon questioning 
other residents, Polly ascertained that her 
vivacious roommate had not been seen 
nor heard from since leaving for he r 
Education 110 class shortly before eight 
A.M. that morning. Further questioning 
about campus revealed that none of the 
members of Dr. Sample's Ed. section 
had been heard from all day, leading 
Polly to assume that a common f a t e 
must have befallen the entire group 

Miss Fairbreast alerted Associate 
Dean of Students Mary Ann Fritz, who 
began an investigation. Dean Fritz fin. 
ally stumbled upon the group in the cha- 
pel lecture hall. According to the As- 
sociate Dean, the entire class was deen 



This bust of Dr. Tronsveld will be dedicated and placed in the college's central 
steam generating plant. 

Arts Festival Events Listed 



The Fourth Annual Spring Arts Festi- 
val on April 26-28 will feature stellar at- 
tractions to promote the wonderful 
world of art. The schedule released this 
morning features the following treats 
during the three-day weekend: 

On Friday night, two pregnant oce- 
lots from African Safari will dip their 
paws in watercolors to create a picture of 
who they think is the father. Later that 
night, the local rock group, "Cream 
Dried Beef," will perform a medley of 
their hit from their album on the Shingle 



feredarewardof $1,000 for the return of 
(or information leading to the return of) 
a black lace garter belt which was, ac- 
cording to her statement, "accidentally 
lost somewhere on Arnold Field at ap- 
proximately 11:30P.M. March 12." Dean 
Fritz indicated that the belt had been 
purchased from the "knick-knack bin" 
at the H & H Tack Shop, Inc. and was 
lost "while taking a short-cut across the 
A-Field." Dean Fritz indicated that the 
belt was several sizes too small. 

tronsveld 

(Continued from Page 1, Col. 5) 

veld discovered the now-famous "Zear- 
foss Stone" during excavations for the 
new music building. The stone depicted a 
blowup diagram for a three stage sewage 
pump, complete with parallel instruc- 
tions for its operation in Transylvanian, 
lower Manchurian and Aramaic. Hence, 
a translation code for maintenese - which 
comprises a combination of the seven 
aforementioned tongues - was estab- 
lished. A reasonable degree of communi- 
cation is now possible, the main problem 
lying in the fact that apparently main- 
tenese has no concept of a future tense. 
A minor difficulty, to be sure. 

Dr. Tronsveld will concentrate his ac- 
tivities at first on attempting to instruct 
employees of the department to master 
simple, intelligible phrases such as "Man 
on the floor", instead of the usual 
"Mahnn un der flower" now commonly 
heard. Oddly enough, Dr. Tronsveld re- 
ports that he is more fluent in maintenese 
whilst puffing on a pipe, and immediately 
after having consumed copious amounts 
of egg noodles and/or shoo fly pie. 



label. 

Saturday at 10 A.M. will feature pre- 
cious mahogany and teak wood which 
has been beautifully eaten through by 
left-over acid from coffee hour. In the 
afternoon, the Herman Heisey Ail-Amer- 
ican Dutch Treat Girl's Band will per- 
from highlights from Howard Cosell's au- 
tobiography with a featured solo by Mrs. 
Clifford Irving. At a special buffet sup- 
per, the Hershey Medical Center Boys 
Choir will present their version of You 
Are What You Eat. Throughout the day 
there will be arts and crafts exhibits of 
intricately carved South American door 
knockers; a sculpture made out of rare 
Chinese Ming Dynasty tire jacks taste- 
fully adjoined to a Persian rug hooker; 
and everyone will have the opportunity 
to create their own art works by screev- 
ing. That night at 10:30, the annual fire- 
works display in the A-Field will be a 
festive salute to the life and times of Ro- 
bert McNamara. The day's activities will 
close with the traditional gathering of 
rainclouds followed by LVC's customary 
cloudburst. 

On Sunday morning, there will be 
worship in local and area churches to give 
thanks for another abbreviated festival. 

It has been confirmed that this year's 
myriad of attractions will be presided o- 
ver by Mr. Ed Sullivan. We think he will 
feel right at home among friends at 
Valley. Earlier it was announced that the 
Honorable Milton J. Shapp, Governor of 
Pennsylvania, was to be guest of honor at 
Friday's opening activities, but he de- 
clined the invitation at the last minute 
after he remembered that this was an e- 
lection year. 



agnew 



(Continued from Page 3, Col. 5) 

all of the farmers agreed to sell their pro- 
perty. Messers Mozarella and Capellini as- 
sured the farmers that they would be 
'well cared for'." Wonderling noted that 
the area would be "excellent for golf" 
and mentioned the possibility of the ad- 
dition of a maximum-security heliport, 
to be located in the vacant area in center 
campus, as a "reasonable project for pur- 
suit in the near future." 

When asked to comment on any stip- 
ulations which may have accompanied 




President Sample asleep at the lectern as 
discovered by Dean Fritz. 

asleep with Dr. Sample still at the 
lectern in a somnambulistic posture 
which Miss Fritz likened to 'an out- 
dated J. C. Penney mannequin." 

"Apparenty," stated Miss Fritz, "the 
class was overcome by a swift and ir- 
resistible wave of communal boredom. 
Several students in the rear still held 
crayons in their hands, their coloring 
books lying limp in their laps. Numer- 
ous half finished letters were in evidence, 
as well as several obviously uncompleted, 
unspeakably obscene desk carvings. It 
must have been Dr. Sample's material 
which was responsible." 

Miss Fritz lost no time in contacting 
food service director George Landis, who 
repaired immediately to the lecture hall 
and exposed a thirty day old stuffed 
cabbage roll, instantly reviving the hap- 
less assemblage. 

Upon revival, Dr. Sample hastily com- 
pleted the last few paragraphs of the 
sentence he had been delivering when 
sleep overcame him, and announced that 
the class would have to meet for two 
extra sessions to make up for lost time 
Henceforth, the section will meet during 
coffee hour in the West dining hall- 

Campus News 

Despite popular demand from Seni° r 
year male students, Dr. Shay is f° rced ^ 
deny any credit hours for males engag 
in co-habitation with members of e 1 ' 



Sigma 
not 



Kappa Lambda Nu or Gamma 
Sigma sororities. Such activity does 
meet the requirements for acceptance^ 
Independent Study in Biology » nder ■> 
general sub-heading "Animal Husband . 



the windfall benevolence. Agnew 
mented that the contributor "t elt - 1 
fied in requesting that the building ^ 
given a name of his selection." " n 
official word has been given as > » 
liable sources have indicated that ^ e j u6 . 
edifice will be christened "The Old 
Eyes Music Center." 



fa 



I^m Poon Collegienne, Monday, April 1, 1974 



Page Seven 



Markowicz Involved in Basketball Mishap 



A seemingly innocent half-court four- 
fl „.four basketball game ended in tragedy 
n d chaos at 4:32 P.M. EDT in Lynch 
(jyiri yesterday. Five players, including 
four freshmen and an English Department 
assistant Professor, were rushed to Good 
$ aIT iaritan Hospital following a bizarre 
incident which ended what one witness 
called "y° ur average jungle-rules B-ball 
eame-" 

All four treshmen, whose names have 
not y et b een re ' ease d by hospital officials, 
tfere members of a team opposing a team 
consisting of Dr. Arthur Ford, Dr. John 
Kearney, Dr. Philip Billings, and Dr. Leon 
Markowicz, all members of the LVC 
English Department faculty. The game 
was progressing in "reasonably orderly 
fashion," according to one observer, 
when suddenly one of the freshmen 
fouled Markowicz while the professor was 
attempting to execute a reverse lay-up. 
Both players fell to the floor with a 
resounding thud. According to LVC Ath- 
letic Director Jerry Petrofes, who was at 
the time preparing a schedule of exhibi- 
tion basketball games for teams in the . 
Annville Business Associates Midget 

Wins Fancy 
Streaking 
Contest 

LVC alumnus David M. Gordon took 
first place in the First Annual A.A.U.In- 
vitational Streaking Competition, held on 
the campus of Franklin and Marshall Col- 
lege in nearby Lancaster, Pa. In winning 
the overall honors, Gordon established a 
Streak Duration mark of 5 Hrs. 57 Mins. 
and negotiated the designated Streaking 
Course, originating on the campus at 
F&M and ending at the Lancaster Hilton 
Inn, a total of seven times before being 
apprehended by Lancaster Municipal Po- 
lice officers. 

In addition to winning the Streak Du- 
ration contest, Gordon also took first 
place in the Fancy Streaking competition, 
compiling fourteen acts of public self- 
abuse, six urinations, two defecations 
(one of which occurred while in motion) 
and five acts of bestiality upon stray 
dogs. 

Gordon's heroics enabled his team, 
fielded by the Cleveland School of Pod- 
iat ry, to take first place in the Overall 
Team Streaking Competition, narrowly 




Carlson ponders procreation. 



N 



Psych Course 



Dr ' Roger Carlson of the Depart- 

• nt °f Psychology has announced the 

clu sion of a three-hour lab period 

n, ° the schedule of the department's 

( p per imental course, "Sex and Me," 

^chology 369). The addition of the 

j y lab session to the course sche- 

w e ls intended to, in Dr. Carlson's 

"'nject the element of direct 

"'nvolvement into the course set- 
up;. 



League (with the intent of facing off a 
different Midget team each week against 
the LVC JV basketball team), "They 
made one helluva bang! Nice body con- 
tact!" 

Immediately after impact, Markowicz 
rose from the floor in a blind rage and, 
mouth foaming, chased each member of 
the freshmen team around the gym. 
According to one observer, Markowicz 
could be heard screaming a mixture of 
epithets and references to the use of the 
apostrophe as an indicator of possession. 
Before he could be subdued, Markowicz 
succeeded in inflicting what investigating 
officer Herman Heisey termed "multiple 
oral lacerations and dental puncture 
wounds" upon each member of the 
freshmen team. 

Markowicz was finally subdued by his 
teammates, who held the writhing pro- 
fessor in a double chicken-wing and 
bound his hands and feet while repeating 
the first eighteen lines of Chaucer's 
"General Prologue" from the Canterbury 
Tales in low, soothing voices. "That 
always seems to calm him down some- 




A Victim: Done in by one of Dave Gor- 
don 's acts of bestiality. 



defeating the University of Maryland 
team. The final score, arrived at by a 
complicated system of adding team min- 
utes of streak duration, points for de- 
gree of difficulty (for Fancy Streaking) 
and number of course negotiations, with 
twenty points subtracted for each Police 
Apprehension, was Cleveland School of 
Podiatry 2,839%, University of Mary- 
land 2,795%. 

LVC's entry, the all-female Green's 
Gorillas, finished a dismal ninth over- 
all with 331 points. All ten members of 
the Valley entry were apprehended by 
Lancaster law officers within two hours 
of the beginning of the competition. 



Sample 
Announces 
Speaker 



Dr. Frederick P. Sample has an- 
nounced a preliminary agreement with 
the Holy Spirit (hereinafter referred to 
as H.G.) to serve as commencement 
speaker for the graduation exercizes of 
the class of '74 on May 19th. 

Assistant to the Dean and recently 
anointed Director-Designate of the Al- 
lan W. Mund College Center Marcia 
C. Gehris has graciously consented to 
act as the medium for the expected 
glossalalial utterances. Assisting in the 
address will be Maintenance Department 
interpreter and noted author Dr. Thor- 
gen Von Tronsveld, who will translate 
the message into King James English, 
and the L.V.C. cheering squad who will 
elucidate the significance of the text 
in a newly-choreographed rendition of 
Salome^ noted "dance of the seven 
veils." 

H.G., in a revelation to Dr. Sample, 
agreed to the additional inclusion of a 
one-tenth scale rendition of the anni- 
hilation of Sodom and Gomorrah, to be 
presented following commencemen t exer- 



what when he goes crackers," noted Dr. 
Ford. Eventually Markowicz began recit- 
ing along with the other three pro- 
fessors and became quite docile. He was 
then placed in the back of an LVC main- 
tenance truck along with his four victims 
and rushed to Good Samaritan by Main- 
tenance Chief Samuel Zearfoss, stopping 
only for a take-out dinner at the Lebanon 
Burger King located along Rt. 422. 

All four freshmen will remain at Good 
Samaritan Hospital until tests being taken 
on Markowicz indicate whether or not 
an actual case of rabies is present. A 
hospital spokesman indicated that rabies 
is a "distinct possibility" since Mar- 
kowicz's fellow professors all related a 
marked preference for stray dogs on his 
part during the last six months. Should 
the test results prove "positive," hospital 
officials will begin anti-rabies treatments 
on the four freshmen and consult the 
Lebanon County Animal Control Officer 
for advice on further handling of Mar- 
kowicz. "The boys at Harrisburg might 
request a cranial dissection," one doctor 
noted. 




Dr. Markowicz as pacified 
"General Prologue" 



WFL Reveals Penn Franchise 



Gary Collins, the former star wide 
receiver of the Cleveland Browns of the 
National Football League and popular 
assistant coach at Lebanon Valley Col- 
lege, has resigned his position at LVC to 
become head coach of the recently-form- 
ed Central Pennsylvania Krautshredders 
of the fledgling World Football League. 
Announcement of Collins's resignation 
was released simultaneously by the LVC 
Public Relations Department and the 
offices of WFL President Gary Davidson 
in New York. 

The Krautshredders were originally 
known as the Boston Bulls. However, 
the franchise was unable to locate ade- 
quate playing facilities in the Boston 
area (having been offered the use of the 
football field and Girl's Locker Area 
at Boston's Sister Mary Jacob Immac- 
ulata Trinity High School, with a bleach- 
er capacity of 32), and after a series of 
unsuccessful shifts to New York, Miami, 
Montgomery, Ala., Juneau, Alaska, Fort 
Worth, Honolulu, Teaneck, N. J., Dayton 
Ohio, Saint Louis, Cincinnati, Chatta- 
nooga, Tenn., Staunton, Va, Philadel- 
phia, Wheeling, W.Va., and Salisbury, 
N.C. (in that order) the WFL decided to 
field the franchise as a regional team 
rather than centralize it to one city. The 
Krautshredders will rotate their ten home 



games between Harrisburg High School 
Stadium, Harrisburg, War Memorial Field 
in Manheim Pa., and LVC's own Arnold 
Field. 

In order to meet league regulations, 
Krautshredders owner Samuel Wengert 
plans to use personal finances to reno- 
vate Arnold Field. Proposed renovations 

include the installation of four addi- 
tional tiers of bleachers, relocation of 
the track and field accommodations, 
expansion of the E. E. "Hooks" Mylin 
scoreboard equipment to permit ani- 
mated displays, installation of artificial 
playing surfaces, and enclosure of the 
entire complex in a deflatable canvas 
bubble. The facility will be renamed 
the "Arnolddome" and ticket prices 
will start at $10.00. 

Collins replaces Babe Parilli, former 
Boston Patriots star who had been signed 
as head coach of the franchise while it 
was located in Boston. Parilli resigned 
when the franchise was relocated, stat- 
ing, "I don't like the weather down 
there." Collins will announce his assist- 
ants at the end of the week. Heading 
the list of possibilities is LVC multi- 
coach Lou Sorrentino, who, if hired 
by the Krautshredders, will neverthe- 
less retain his positions at LVC. 



cizes in the Arnolddome, which is ex- 
pected to reach completion (pending 
resolution of the current canvas makers' 
strike) some two weeks prior to com- 
mencement. In the event that the Ar- 
nolddome is not completed by that 
time, the mini-annihilation will be staged 
in the East Funkhouser parking lot. 

H.G. is a widely-respected religious 
authority, having made His first public 
appearance (the renowned "tongues of 
fire" routine) in the best-selling Acts 
of the Apostles. 



Neideigh 
Accepted 



Long-time La Vie Collegienne Feature 
Editor Benjamin M. Neideigh, Jr. has 
accepted the position of Social Editor of 
the Sunshine Park Gaze-Ette, the official 
publication of the Sunshine Park Nudist 
Colony, located near Somer's Point, New 
Jersey. News of Neideigh's new position 
was officially released this morning by 
outgoing La Vie Editor James Katzaman. 

In a brief statement. Neideigh dis- 
closed that he had signed a contract 
foran estimated $ 1 5.000 per year, with a 



rider stipulating free lifetime supplies of 
Sea and Ski suntan lotion and Unguentine 
aerosol spray. Part of his duties will be 
the manufacturing of the black strips 
used to cover the eyes and nether regions 
of camp afficionados during photography 
sessions conducted bi-weekly by Mid- 
night, a national tabloid with which the 
Sunshine Park Gaze-Ette is associated. 

"If the boys at Midnight are pleased 
with my work, I might get promoted to 
the regional axe-murder department!", 
Neideigh noted gleefully. In a more 
serious tone he added, "At least my 
dry-cleaning bill for the next year will be 
low." 

Neideigh inherits thejob from another 
Valley graduate, James V. Bowman'71, 
who has left the Midnight organization 
to serve as Expose Editor of The Police 
Gazette. Upperclassmen may remember 
Bowman from his year of service as 
Public Relations Director at Lebanon 
Valley. 



Public 



ervice 



Announcement 

Remember, Oral Roberts between 
consenting adults is socially acceptable. 



Annville 
Suffers from 
Beer Shortage 



The National Food and Drug Ad- 
ministration announced today that 
Americans could expect increased prices 
and diminished quanties of beer and ale 
within the next two to six weeks. This 
beer and ale shortage is a direct result 
of the recent embargo by foreign hops 
producing nations, which was precipitated 
by recent NATO incursion into wine 
vinyards located on the outskirts of 
Marseilles and Rouen, France. Secretary 
of State Henry Kissinger indicated that 
the lifting of the embargo is at this time 
conditional upon the release of the said 
wine vinyards from Allied control. 

Pentagon officials announced that 
the vinyard incursion was in direct re- 
taliation for repeated incidents of pebble 
throwing by hostile French primary 
students from villages near the affected 
NATO bases. The officials went on record 
as being opposed to withdrawal until 
the students meet Allied demands for dis- 
armament and commencement of nego- 
tiations. 

On the home front, President Ford 
announced the appointment of August 
Busch of St. Louis, Mo. as National 
Potables Czar. Immediately after his ap- 
pointment Mr. Busch announced the 
creation of a National Potables Control 
Board which will function under his 
immediate direction. Busch noted that 
the first act of the NPCB would be 
issuing of numbered ration cards to all 
citizens over the age of 21. An odd-even 
rationing system based on the last digit 
of each card holder's serial number will 
be put into effect as soon as all cards 
have been distributed. Busch indicated 
that this ration system will be mandatory 
and that purchases will be limited to $3. 
Busch noted, "I realize this is going to 
mean considerable hardship for Amer- 
ica's alcoholic minority, but it is the 
best solution that we have at this time. 
Emergency one-quart supplies of beer 
and ale will be made available to those 
who can not tolerate an alternate day 
abstinence from these beverages." Busch 

added that the emergency supplies will 
be distributed temporarily by the Nation- 
al Postal Service pending establishment of 
a nationwide network of centers for the 
needy by the. NPCB. 

Locally , tavern proprietors in outlying 
districts have already felt the effects 
of the hops embargo. Rich's Bar in 
Annville has reported three-block lines 
of customers during peak hours and 
occasional outbreaks of violence among 
regular patrons who have become 
panicky in the face of an impending 
beer drought. When asked to comment 
Rich stated, "Will keep pumping as long 
as we got the beer to pump, but I gonna 
havta raise the price to 75 cents a glass 
to make any profit." The Hotel Annville 
also reported a similar price increase 
effective April 5. 

Rumors Denied 

A Lebanon Valley College administra- 
tion official announced today that cur- 
rent rumors engulfing the campus were 
"without any basis of fact or founda- 
tion." He was commenting upon unpub- 
lished reports that should the college fail 
to meet the deadline for the Kresge Chal- 
lenge, the Fund for Fulfillment would be 
renamed the Frederick P. Sample De- 
fense Fund. 

ALSO. . . . 

The Lebanon Valley College faculty 
drew more unpopular reactions from a- 
mong the student body yesterday. In its 
weekly meeting the professors voted 
down the United States Declaration of 
Independence on the grounds that while 
it states that "all men are created equal", 
no mention is made of professors. 



Page Eight